"Oh days go by I'm hypnotized"
Mar. 20th, 2019 09:10 pm"Everyone dies, alone in their own cauldron--yr death will be no more or less gruesome than any other's. & happiness is a thing that passes through you, not a thing you meet & hold in yr deathly grip for ever afterwards"
I think I probably hold on to things too tightly.
I know there are things that each of my partners could do that I would be hard pressed to remain their partner through. But even then, I don't know what life would look like without any of them. Different, of course, but there's some small part of me that even underneath all the war it's waging with the part of me that knows everyone leaves that believes that maybe this life is mine to keep.
I almost said everything changes. The thing engraved inside of Light's wedding ring is omnia mutantur nihil interit. Everything changes, nothing dies. But these days I lean more towards Omnia mutantur nos et mutamur in illis. All things change and we change with them.
I have this belief of my own unshakable nature and when I try to break it down it seems childish and fragile, like a house of cards. But I do still believe that there must be something wrong with me, and someday, maybe if I'm fast enough and smart enough I'll figure it out and then maybe I can change it and it won't hurt to be me anymore and I'll be good enough. And this mysterious unparseable wrongness is why my parents couldn't parent me, why I don't have an enduring friendships from younger iterations of omnia (though I guess I've been with Light since 2004ish, so even if I still look back on college and everything before as a failure, I've been with someone for fifteen years so I'm not exactly unkeepable), why I'm always a little bit sad, why the only way I can motivate myself sometimes is by self-loathing or remembering it's my job not to make messes and so I have to struggle to make sure all my interactions are low-pressure and that I try not to ask too much of any one person.
So, I'm holding on too hard. I think I wrote a poem once, about holding on too hard to something to try to balance out someone not holding on, but how that doesn't work when it's something squishable you're trying to hold. Yeah, it made more sense as a poem. the first line was something like "You weren’t looking when you said that / You weren’t." I'm holding on too hard and I'm thinking of life as something you collect to build up around yourself to try to find the place where it's easier to breathe, like I used to think that the number of books in the collection was what kept me real and safe. I'd like to take experiences as they come, experience them and be mostly okay when they're done happening, having learned something about myself and the world and be better at trying to make the world a better place afterwards.
I'm trying to figure out if I've got the chops to legitimately wear a shirt that says "Books, cats, and social justice" or one that says "I run on feminism, caffiene and social justice" or if I need to walk more of the walk before I can say that.
In lighter news, I think I'm going to try to find a way to pronounce FFS so if I seem to be making fricatives in your general direction, that's why.