"I've got this crazy dream"

"But if this slug were to undulate and wobble, if it were to find sweeter sprouts with its sleek body, if we coukd see this creature be unafraid, we would not be so squeamish. ; Be the first slug"

 

I wonder if I show my cards first. 

 

I still wonder about the difference between what I want to project and what is received and what I really am (if such a thing exists outside of perception).   Do I look bold, do I look intentional,  do I look like I lost my shell, my armor in a tragic accident and am trying to use its loss as its own warped version of shield.

 

Undulate makes me think of dancing, and (exclamation of choice, I can't use dear lord or oh boy anymore) I still miss dancing.  It's an exceptional drinking-related activity for me, most of my dancing opportunities were in college or in goth clubs in my late teens and twenties.  Drinking made me care less, and in nerd college and western mass, no one was a good dancer, which also made me care even less.

 

I used to pick up people at goth clubs, trying to figure out how to make people think it was their idea to pick me up.  It worked often enough to let me reinforce my self-esteem issues with a decent amount of promiscuity, wanting so desperately to be looked at.   And despite my therapist's best efforts to convince me to look at myself, despite multiple partners, these days I think I mostly just try to need it less.