"All that you have, all that you don’t"

 I keep trying to get into the habit of writing more, but I f(l)ounder on a subject, on a topic, on anything and everything.  I'm reading a book called Ask Baba Yaga, and the answers are almost but not quite wisdom and almost but not quite nonsense and I want to use them as prompts.  There's not all going to make sense, but neither do I sometimes. 

 

"When we live ) in our snail-shells, :to see a cracked one feels ugly--we watch the slimy slug, naked & shivering, and everyone feels ashamed to look."

 

I've talked about this before, vulnerability as virtue, and I've never quite put my finger on why, or how, or whom.  I don't want to be indiscriminately vulnerable, I've been a place where people dump things in the past and it hasn't always worked out well for me.  And I fear being naive, being uncritical about what I let in and by whom I am influenced, but I also don't want to be jaded, I think I'd miss too much of the good stuff if I was.   I don't want to try too hard, but I don't want to try not at all.  And I've never thought myself especially burdened with virtue, and I think of myself as more likely than not to roll over and show my soft underbelly, but maybe I just like the sound of the alliteration.

 

I put the curmudegeon/introvert/self-contained facade most days, and sometimes I ask the boys about my costume for any given day or event.  "Is this fierce but approachable but mostly fierce?"  "I want to show boob but not look like I'm trying too hard"  "Competent but quirky but competent" are things I remember asking about in the past  month.   Which is a lot of weight to put on black dresses and glitter eyeliner, but so it goes.  

 

And part of it has always been if I'm going to be rejected, I want to be rejected right up front, right away, before I invest, before it'll hurt if someone walks away, so I want to put all my faults and all my crazy up front so no one rides this ride with false assumptions.  

 

Tonight's Light's every-other-week game night, I've already done the dishes, I've already cleaned, I'm about to go up and put laundry away.  I had the best intention of making muffins, I'm probably not going to get another chance this week, at least not until Friday.  (tomorrow, couples and date night with Light, Wednesday dinner to talk about working one con, Thursday night cocoa to talk about the other con) Light'll be away this weekend, off at a gaming weekend with his girlfriend, Abundance has a work conference he'll be at on and off for for the whole weekend, I'm going to try to find some way to  hang out with some of my niblings, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't also set myself the task of either a solo movie, or baking something complicated.    (my heart tells me when I get a place with a dishwasher, I'll do so much more cooking.  I wonder what the reality will be)