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"it's here in the smallest bones"
Sep. 4th, 2013 10:00 pmI'm managing to feel both wrung-out and twitchy, which seems unkind of the world. I should either be too tired to be twitchy or too twitchy to be tired.
I had an amazing weekend with Abundance which included, well, an abundance of everything. Skin, affection, sex, reassurance, words. There was even an ocean, a museum, large furry animals, a postapocalyptic rpg, word games, a thunderstorm and a ke$ha concert. And I have all these big emotions, and my therapist needed to remind me that the idea that my attention is a burden while other people's attention is a commodity doesn't really make any sense, that Abundance has just as much free will as I do, that leaps of faith aren't actually stupid anymore, and I'm capable of making them.
Tonight I start an undergraduate latin course at the extension school. Tomorrow I go back to my awesome new trainer who shows great promise in terms of kicking my ass. She's already decided it's more than time for me to graduate to unmodified pushups, no smith bar incline, no knees. And she promises me that soon we'll move from high rep-low weight exercises to low rep-high weight exercises, which are my favorite.
I have a pretty new tablet, and Light bought me a fancy leather cover for it and I'm playing all these silly, soothing spot-the-difference and find-the-object games. I went to a class at Gather Here and made a pretty awesome-looking bag. In a couple weeks, I'm going to go take an embroidery class (all the not cross-stitch stitches I'm a little shaky on.) I feel like I have a lot of plans, but not very many plans where i go see the people.
I don't have anything pithy to say, just more trivia. There are these things that I'm doing, and most of them are fun, there are these things I'm going to do and most of them are fun to. There are things I feel anxious about, but I'm okay riding them out for the moment, and I know that no matter what, some of my days are still going to feel sad and stressy and that's okay too.
ETA: so, the last time I took latin was in 1997, a year most notable for my suicide attempt. The last time I took a class for a letter grade at the extension school was the semester Asshat dumped me and I failed out of the class. Telling myself that neither of those scenarios is what's going on right now definitely helped.
I had an amazing weekend with Abundance which included, well, an abundance of everything. Skin, affection, sex, reassurance, words. There was even an ocean, a museum, large furry animals, a postapocalyptic rpg, word games, a thunderstorm and a ke$ha concert. And I have all these big emotions, and my therapist needed to remind me that the idea that my attention is a burden while other people's attention is a commodity doesn't really make any sense, that Abundance has just as much free will as I do, that leaps of faith aren't actually stupid anymore, and I'm capable of making them.
Tonight I start an undergraduate latin course at the extension school. Tomorrow I go back to my awesome new trainer who shows great promise in terms of kicking my ass. She's already decided it's more than time for me to graduate to unmodified pushups, no smith bar incline, no knees. And she promises me that soon we'll move from high rep-low weight exercises to low rep-high weight exercises, which are my favorite.
I have a pretty new tablet, and Light bought me a fancy leather cover for it and I'm playing all these silly, soothing spot-the-difference and find-the-object games. I went to a class at Gather Here and made a pretty awesome-looking bag. In a couple weeks, I'm going to go take an embroidery class (all the not cross-stitch stitches I'm a little shaky on.) I feel like I have a lot of plans, but not very many plans where i go see the people.
I don't have anything pithy to say, just more trivia. There are these things that I'm doing, and most of them are fun, there are these things I'm going to do and most of them are fun to. There are things I feel anxious about, but I'm okay riding them out for the moment, and I know that no matter what, some of my days are still going to feel sad and stressy and that's okay too.
ETA: so, the last time I took latin was in 1997, a year most notable for my suicide attempt. The last time I took a class for a letter grade at the extension school was the semester Asshat dumped me and I failed out of the class. Telling myself that neither of those scenarios is what's going on right now definitely helped.
