(no subject)

Chainmail class got canceled due to low enrollment. I canceled attending Arisia due to high fragility. I had a job interview, it was a thing that happened.

I panic every time I leave the house, because I'm terrified Funnyface is going to die in my absence, and I stall on going home, because I'm afraid she's dead, and if I don't know she's dead, I won't fall the fuck apart. I feel dazed, buffeted. I want to do nothing but bake, and I want to stop eating altogether. I want to clean all the things, and never clean anything again.

My therapist spends a non-zero amount of time trying to get me to let myself really cry. I almost always categorically refuse, and end up this salt-stained gasping mess. And I'm totally afraid of being judged for my tears (except for on the bus. somehow bus-crying is totally a thing), and I'm totally afraid that someday I'm going to start crying and forget how to stop. I can see my metaphors trip me up, even as they're happening, and I think it's harder to stop, put down something and then pick it back up than it is to never put it down, and I've heard tell it might be easier to believe that sometimes, it's more like some other thing.

But, I'm reading a lot. Avoidance for the win. And I'm taking a gun safety class on Saturday.