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Jan. 5th, 2013 08:03 pmBrat and Frye both know something's up, and are being significantly more cuddly than they've ever been before.
On the awkward and triggery front: Light's upstairs, talking to my inlaws about our experience with my mastectomy. Because she's got breast cancer. And I feel like I should be feeling all proactive and strong because I did this thing, but all I'm feeling is broken and ugly and emotionally raw.
I want to quit everything. I want to stay on the couch, plastered to Light's side, and never ever walk by anywhere that could sell me cigarettes or booze. I would have said my sobriety's not so fragile as that, and it seems whiny and attention-seeking to talk about it feeling fragile, but whoomp, there it is. And it feels like weakness rather than self-care to say (admit?) that i don't think I can handle the outside world, I don't feel prepared to put on my stiff upper lip.
I have an interview next week, for another job at the beast, and I think on another day, I'd be pleased and excited and validated, but today isn't that day, and neither was yesterday and I don't suspect that tomorrow will be either.
DOLDRUMS AND SARGASSO SEAS. FUCK THIS NOISE. I JUST WANT MY CAT BACK.
On the awkward and triggery front: Light's upstairs, talking to my inlaws about our experience with my mastectomy. Because she's got breast cancer. And I feel like I should be feeling all proactive and strong because I did this thing, but all I'm feeling is broken and ugly and emotionally raw.
I want to quit everything. I want to stay on the couch, plastered to Light's side, and never ever walk by anywhere that could sell me cigarettes or booze. I would have said my sobriety's not so fragile as that, and it seems whiny and attention-seeking to talk about it feeling fragile, but whoomp, there it is. And it feels like weakness rather than self-care to say (admit?) that i don't think I can handle the outside world, I don't feel prepared to put on my stiff upper lip.
I have an interview next week, for another job at the beast, and I think on another day, I'd be pleased and excited and validated, but today isn't that day, and neither was yesterday and I don't suspect that tomorrow will be either.
DOLDRUMS AND SARGASSO SEAS. FUCK THIS NOISE. I JUST WANT MY CAT BACK.
