(no subject)

The house slowly comes together, and it's a weird and intimidating feeling. There's still loads of stuff to do, of course, but we moved a bunch of boxes into the basement storage, and maybe we'll even hang some art this afternoon.

Weird things remind me of people left behind, and a hairstick can absolutely ruin a perfectly lovely day and I hate that I can't just think "ah, what's done is done" or something like that and instead am left to beat myself up about what I could have done differently, why they didn't care enough for me. I beat myself up for thinking about what I don't have, and then beat myself up for beating myself up, and I wish I had someone to model how friendships end for me, rather than this occasional flailing I do.

I had an absolutely awesome week, and I don't know how to post about it, possibly because I haven't got usenames for all the people I hung out with, but I think because I don't really know how to talk about the moments when things are okay. Even when I'm all awkward and anxious, everything seems to be chugging along fairly smoothly. I feel like I'm not treasuring this time enough, that I should somehow be storing up this calm before I go back to work, making little collages of what it feels like to watch silly tv and teach myself algebra and decide which books go where, but writing it down doesn't seem to work, public or private forum.

but now, to go shopping for window treatments.

(no subject)

The house slowly comes together, and it's a weird and intimidating feeling. There's still loads of stuff to do, of course, but we moved a bunch of boxes into the basement storage, and maybe we'll even hang some art this afternoon.

Weird things remind me of people left behind, and a hairstick can absolutely ruin a perfectly lovely day and I hate that I can't just think "ah, what's done is done" or something like that and instead am left to beat myself up about what I could have done differently, why they didn't care enough for me. I beat myself up for thinking about what I don't have, and then beat myself up for beating myself up, and I wish I had someone to model how friendships end for me, rather than this occasional flailing I do.

I had an absolutely awesome week, and I don't know how to post about it, possibly because I haven't got usenames for all the people I hung out with, but I think because I don't really know how to talk about the moments when things are okay. Even when I'm all awkward and anxious, everything seems to be chugging along fairly smoothly. I feel like I'm not treasuring this time enough, that I should somehow be storing up this calm before I go back to work, making little collages of what it feels like to watch silly tv and teach myself algebra and decide which books go where, but writing it down doesn't seem to work, public or private forum.

but now, to go shopping for window treatments.