(no subject)

I've been falling back on facts in here, I think. Social interaction comes haltingly at best, by any medium, I feel awkward and out-of-proportion or disliked in pretty much every circumstance, and I think I'm allowing my relationship with livejournal to become an unfortunate mirror of earlier times, perpetually on the edges of various circles, perpetually wanting more than I've got, more than I'm given. And I know that I'm insatiable in most regards, wanting more information, more words, more presence and while I suck pretty thoroughly at self-assurance, I think I'm pretty good at filling in my own empty spaces, and there's something to be said for that, though it's hard to put to words the differences between the places I'm filling up with myself and the places I'm filling up with Light.

All these things are of course both fine and to be expected. I'll go home in a couple minutes, and play on the stepper for a little bit (not as long as I should, but longer than not at all) and make a grocery list, and he'll come home, and I'll kiss him, and we'll change into jeans and shirts and go do the grocery shopping for the week and stop by the triple a office if it's still open, then come home and make salad and tofurkey sausage and peppers and onions for dinner tonight and then I'll put away clean laundry and he'll iron his work shirts, and we'll watch something tivo has to offer us, or maybe a netflixed movie, and I'll sneak away to wrap his anniversary presents if they come, and we'll make an appointment for the hottubs for Friday night, yet another thing to try and keep my mind off the dental surgery, and it all makes such perfect sense, and such a perfect pattern in my head, like I've finally found a kaleidoscope to look through full of only good things, but I still put it down occasionally and worry at all the other threads.

And I know, even outside of Light, that I'm lucky in my friendships, even with what I've lost, and that that while the wanting more feels like it's about the fact/impression that person X, Y or Z is totally awesome or that X, Y or Z has important things to say or ways of thinking and I want to learn them because learning about people is wicked fun, maybe it's something else entirely, more about wanting certain sorts of attention, or not knowing how to handle/read the sort of rejection that is passive rather than active, or something even harder to find the words for. gah. and i'm a silly moody girl who doesn't want to call the dentist.

(no subject)

I've been falling back on facts in here, I think. Social interaction comes haltingly at best, by any medium, I feel awkward and out-of-proportion or disliked in pretty much every circumstance, and I think I'm allowing my relationship with livejournal to become an unfortunate mirror of earlier times, perpetually on the edges of various circles, perpetually wanting more than I've got, more than I'm given. And I know that I'm insatiable in most regards, wanting more information, more words, more presence and while I suck pretty thoroughly at self-assurance, I think I'm pretty good at filling in my own empty spaces, and there's something to be said for that, though it's hard to put to words the differences between the places I'm filling up with myself and the places I'm filling up with Light.

All these things are of course both fine and to be expected. I'll go home in a couple minutes, and play on the stepper for a little bit (not as long as I should, but longer than not at all) and make a grocery list, and he'll come home, and I'll kiss him, and we'll change into jeans and shirts and go do the grocery shopping for the week and stop by the triple a office if it's still open, then come home and make salad and tofurkey sausage and peppers and onions for dinner tonight and then I'll put away clean laundry and he'll iron his work shirts, and we'll watch something tivo has to offer us, or maybe a netflixed movie, and I'll sneak away to wrap his anniversary presents if they come, and we'll make an appointment for the hottubs for Friday night, yet another thing to try and keep my mind off the dental surgery, and it all makes such perfect sense, and such a perfect pattern in my head, like I've finally found a kaleidoscope to look through full of only good things, but I still put it down occasionally and worry at all the other threads.

And I know, even outside of Light, that I'm lucky in my friendships, even with what I've lost, and that that while the wanting more feels like it's about the fact/impression that person X, Y or Z is totally awesome or that X, Y or Z has important things to say or ways of thinking and I want to learn them because learning about people is wicked fun, maybe it's something else entirely, more about wanting certain sorts of attention, or not knowing how to handle/read the sort of rejection that is passive rather than active, or something even harder to find the words for. gah. and i'm a silly moody girl who doesn't want to call the dentist.