"why can't we just get near?"

Weirdly good moods of late. Work goes quickly, evenings go pleasantly, and I manage to keep shoving all the anxiety under the bed, so I know it's there, and I know I'm a little more high strung than usual, but I'm feeling pretty good about it all, and it's so hard to tell if this is the kind of okay that goes before a fall, or the kind of okay that is sustainable, or maybe I'm just trying to enjoy these last couple days of chewing comfortably. I've abandoned the video game a little bit, having hit a place more frustrating than it is enjoyable, and I've finally hit the halfway mark on Babel Tower, and I'm slowly cleaning my room (the library, as opposed the bedroom, though years of roommates still make me think I mean the bedroom when I say "my room"). I've gotten up to page 100 in the latin book I'm working through, and I wish I'd stolen a copy of my highschool latin textbook for comparison, but this is pretty fun, and it's neat to try and memorize or remember things, feels a little bit like stretching.

I always wondered if there was some final human interaction that would set me free of the desire to be liked, something grand like a betrayal, or little, like a miscommunication, and I almost wanted there to be some final breaking point of bitterness, where I could just put down all the random, contradictory desires I have about being social and walk away, and finally just start being.

(side note: I told Skin that there should be books about this time-of-life, and i can't think of a better way to say it than i said it to her, so i'm cheating and putting the text of what i said to her here...there should totally be books about this, like what happens on the other side of crazy, or on the other side of debt, or on the other side of your twenties. I think, however, the reason there isn't is because the book might be able to be summed up with something like "Just Be." Or some other too-catchy, nigh-vonnegut phrase.)

i think i'm realize that there's no point like that, that it's just sort of a pingpong between resignation, acceptance, and struggle. which makes sense, since there's always more to learn about myself, or the other people or the world.

i named my pandora station "Big Folk Dork" and i ordered certified copies of my birth certificate from the Berlin Town Clerk, and the new peter mulvey CD from signature sounds, and my copy of Vegetarian Soups for All Seasons arrived from half.com today and i have fantastically cute cats, one of whom is perched on a couch cushion next to my head, purring madly into my ear, another who is not-so-patiently waiting to see if she gets any of the packaging from the CDs that came with Light's shiny new laptop.

Tomorrow we grocery shop for mushy foods for me, and friday we've got a hottub appointment, and then i'm getting stoned on ativan (or however you spell the branded version of lorazepam) which didn't keep me from panicking last time, but if there's the smallest chance it helps, i'm all for it. really, what i'd like is something with roughly the same side-effects as my migraine medicine. Now, to browse the tripleA book/the internet for something to do in or around Lee, MA when we take our anniversary weekend in a B&B in a couple weeks.

and as of today, I've been engaged for a month. Which totally rocks.

"why can't we just get near?"

Weirdly good moods of late. Work goes quickly, evenings go pleasantly, and I manage to keep shoving all the anxiety under the bed, so I know it's there, and I know I'm a little more high strung than usual, but I'm feeling pretty good about it all, and it's so hard to tell if this is the kind of okay that goes before a fall, or the kind of okay that is sustainable, or maybe I'm just trying to enjoy these last couple days of chewing comfortably. I've abandoned the video game a little bit, having hit a place more frustrating than it is enjoyable, and I've finally hit the halfway mark on Babel Tower, and I'm slowly cleaning my room (the library, as opposed the bedroom, though years of roommates still make me think I mean the bedroom when I say "my room"). I've gotten up to page 100 in the latin book I'm working through, and I wish I'd stolen a copy of my highschool latin textbook for comparison, but this is pretty fun, and it's neat to try and memorize or remember things, feels a little bit like stretching.

I always wondered if there was some final human interaction that would set me free of the desire to be liked, something grand like a betrayal, or little, like a miscommunication, and I almost wanted there to be some final breaking point of bitterness, where I could just put down all the random, contradictory desires I have about being social and walk away, and finally just start being.

(side note: I told Skin that there should be books about this time-of-life, and i can't think of a better way to say it than i said it to her, so i'm cheating and putting the text of what i said to her here...there should totally be books about this, like what happens on the other side of crazy, or on the other side of debt, or on the other side of your twenties. I think, however, the reason there isn't is because the book might be able to be summed up with something like "Just Be." Or some other too-catchy, nigh-vonnegut phrase.)

i think i'm realize that there's no point like that, that it's just sort of a pingpong between resignation, acceptance, and struggle. which makes sense, since there's always more to learn about myself, or the other people or the world.

i named my pandora station "Big Folk Dork" and i ordered certified copies of my birth certificate from the Berlin Town Clerk, and the new peter mulvey CD from signature sounds, and my copy of Vegetarian Soups for All Seasons arrived from half.com today and i have fantastically cute cats, one of whom is perched on a couch cushion next to my head, purring madly into my ear, another who is not-so-patiently waiting to see if she gets any of the packaging from the CDs that came with Light's shiny new laptop.

Tomorrow we grocery shop for mushy foods for me, and friday we've got a hottub appointment, and then i'm getting stoned on ativan (or however you spell the branded version of lorazepam) which didn't keep me from panicking last time, but if there's the smallest chance it helps, i'm all for it. really, what i'd like is something with roughly the same side-effects as my migraine medicine. Now, to browse the tripleA book/the internet for something to do in or around Lee, MA when we take our anniversary weekend in a B&B in a couple weeks.

and as of today, I've been engaged for a month. Which totally rocks.