"You catch your breath and winter starts again"

i think i might be entering some sort of second hibernation. it feels like
rolling rocks uphill, and i have to learn to understand that people don't
think the same way i do. i spent much of therapy yesterday trying to
explain my ideas of 'should' to my therapist, the went home to bicker with
light about clutter, and then out to dinner to be absolutely and thoroughly
charmed by unexpected and her two friends. (which sounds like either a
children's book, or a punk band) and while i felt large and distinctly
uncute, i imagine that any collection of women from smith would do that to
me, since it was by no effort of theirs that i felt that way.

and i realize that doesn't sound much like hibernation, but i'm too afraid
of getting my hand smacked away again to really be comfortable reaching it
out to many people other than the few that have wormed their way past my
defenses, and it's a guessing game as to who will and who won't. common
threads run through my life, and the ones that i can pick out are the people
i'm most drawn to are either the ones who are trying to figure out how to be
in a healthy, sustainable relationship, or the ones who are just trying to
get better in some way shape or form. not that we're all broken,
just...we're all bruised by one force or another, external or internal.
which is probably true of the world, but i think there's a type of honesty
to sorting out the damage that draws me.

maybe even grass breaks under strong enough winds, or maybe i am whoever all
these voices, down the years, tell me i am. bad daughter, bad girlfriend,
bad lover, bad friend. but i get to choose my audiences now. Hell, i can
chose the setting and the props and the lighting and the costumes and the
stagemanager, that's part of the joy of being this old, living in a house my
boyfriend owns, having a job that pays me enough to pay my bills and buys me
froofy shit for my skin from Burt's Bees and paints from Home Depot with
names like Popped Corn and Cherry Cobbler and Painted Turtle and Swiss
Coffee. I can disagree with Light without flinching or backing down more
often, i can booch dinner and not want to cry, or assume that it's made me
less lovable. i can turn down an invitation and not think it's the last
one i'll ever be offered. sometimes. sometimes, i can't. and
sometimes knowing that there are days when i could have dealt with things
with more aplomb, and knowing that this particular day is not one of them,
is worse than not knowing at all.

That's switzerland...well, maybe a ravioli, and unexpected comments later
how the socially awkward gathered in groups become less socially awkward,
and it was fantastic to listen to people who are learning things talk about
what they're learning. i still envy the students, but it's becoming a
little less black an envy, less jealous and bitter, just...oh, to be having
someone smart teach me something again. to have a way to learn that didn't
feel like i was sacrificing something i couldn't afford to sacrifice, be it
leisure time, money, or peace. maybe there is one, or maybe i'm capable of
letting go of more of what i've found since i left college than i think i
am, but i'm still playing a game of acceptable risks, and i still haven't
found the rule book, so my gameplay's pretty conservative.

i've probably traded asking too little for asking too much, and i need to
remember i'll always be someone's villain, but that it's also improbable
that people spend as much time disliking me as i think they do.

"You catch your breath and winter starts again"

i think i might be entering some sort of second hibernation. it feels like
rolling rocks uphill, and i have to learn to understand that people don't
think the same way i do. i spent much of therapy yesterday trying to
explain my ideas of 'should' to my therapist, the went home to bicker with
light about clutter, and then out to dinner to be absolutely and thoroughly
charmed by unexpected and her two friends. (which sounds like either a
children's book, or a punk band) and while i felt large and distinctly
uncute, i imagine that any collection of women from smith would do that to
me, since it was by no effort of theirs that i felt that way.

and i realize that doesn't sound much like hibernation, but i'm too afraid
of getting my hand smacked away again to really be comfortable reaching it
out to many people other than the few that have wormed their way past my
defenses, and it's a guessing game as to who will and who won't. common
threads run through my life, and the ones that i can pick out are the people
i'm most drawn to are either the ones who are trying to figure out how to be
in a healthy, sustainable relationship, or the ones who are just trying to
get better in some way shape or form. not that we're all broken,
just...we're all bruised by one force or another, external or internal.
which is probably true of the world, but i think there's a type of honesty
to sorting out the damage that draws me.

maybe even grass breaks under strong enough winds, or maybe i am whoever all
these voices, down the years, tell me i am. bad daughter, bad girlfriend,
bad lover, bad friend. but i get to choose my audiences now. Hell, i can
chose the setting and the props and the lighting and the costumes and the
stagemanager, that's part of the joy of being this old, living in a house my
boyfriend owns, having a job that pays me enough to pay my bills and buys me
froofy shit for my skin from Burt's Bees and paints from Home Depot with
names like Popped Corn and Cherry Cobbler and Painted Turtle and Swiss
Coffee. I can disagree with Light without flinching or backing down more
often, i can booch dinner and not want to cry, or assume that it's made me
less lovable. i can turn down an invitation and not think it's the last
one i'll ever be offered. sometimes. sometimes, i can't. and
sometimes knowing that there are days when i could have dealt with things
with more aplomb, and knowing that this particular day is not one of them,
is worse than not knowing at all.

That's switzerland...well, maybe a ravioli, and unexpected comments later
how the socially awkward gathered in groups become less socially awkward,
and it was fantastic to listen to people who are learning things talk about
what they're learning. i still envy the students, but it's becoming a
little less black an envy, less jealous and bitter, just...oh, to be having
someone smart teach me something again. to have a way to learn that didn't
feel like i was sacrificing something i couldn't afford to sacrifice, be it
leisure time, money, or peace. maybe there is one, or maybe i'm capable of
letting go of more of what i've found since i left college than i think i
am, but i'm still playing a game of acceptable risks, and i still haven't
found the rule book, so my gameplay's pretty conservative.

i've probably traded asking too little for asking too much, and i need to
remember i'll always be someone's villain, but that it's also improbable
that people spend as much time disliking me as i think they do.