"somebody do something, anything soon"

i'm tense today, to the point where i keep having to force myself to lower
my shoulder and put them back, adjusting my posture so i don't look quite so
much like i'm expecting to be hit. i'm not sure where this tension comes
from, nothing's wrong today that wasn't wrong yesterday. and maybe half
the tension is the bleedoff of unresponded-to emails and IM and lj comments,
because, however illogical, every single one feels like a little rejection,
or a little miscalculation on my part regarding where i stand with whom. i
feel like i've smoked too many cigarettes, or drunk too much coffee, except
it's been over a year since i touched either substance, and i know my tea
has caffeine, but not that much, and neither meds or lack of meds has ever
had an effect like this.

i'm fidgety, waiting for something to happen, but i don't know exactly what
that something is, or if it's going to bother happening, or if i' just off
and should go home, hide under the covers and wait for tomorrow. normally
a feeling like this, in its milder form, results in me picking strange
flashflood fights with Light, enraged one minute and amused the next, but
this one doesn't feel like something that's going to seek that outlet.

i imagine, just like everything other mood, this'll pass and just leave me
jangling uselessly until it does. normally, i try and ride my moods, since
letting them ride me is so much more depressing, but i can't get a handle on
this one. half an hour to lunch, then another hour until a meeting, then
an hour of that and then home, and maybe i can burn some of this out moving
books and legos around before my favorite exroommate shows up. there's the
sensation of a pill stuck in my throat that no amount of water will make go
away, my cuticles are ragged and my skin looks like i'm back to the
pre-retina adolescent version of myself.

but there's hope of the hottubs, and spark, and unexpected this weekend, and
cake or muffins, and light and i have had fantastic dinners for the past two
nights in a room, and maybe this weekend, we'll be making some of the walls
in my house a new color. and maybe this is what creatures like me do when
we find safety, hunker down and make it safer. and every time i try and
deny it, the fact that for every door closed, another one opens up and
smacks me. now, all i need is to find a group to game with and the
ability to teleport to jacksonville and sanfrancisco, and i'll have more
than half of most of what i want.

flashflood, indeed.

"somebody do something, anything soon"

i'm tense today, to the point where i keep having to force myself to lower
my shoulder and put them back, adjusting my posture so i don't look quite so
much like i'm expecting to be hit. i'm not sure where this tension comes
from, nothing's wrong today that wasn't wrong yesterday. and maybe half
the tension is the bleedoff of unresponded-to emails and IM and lj comments,
because, however illogical, every single one feels like a little rejection,
or a little miscalculation on my part regarding where i stand with whom. i
feel like i've smoked too many cigarettes, or drunk too much coffee, except
it's been over a year since i touched either substance, and i know my tea
has caffeine, but not that much, and neither meds or lack of meds has ever
had an effect like this.

i'm fidgety, waiting for something to happen, but i don't know exactly what
that something is, or if it's going to bother happening, or if i' just off
and should go home, hide under the covers and wait for tomorrow. normally
a feeling like this, in its milder form, results in me picking strange
flashflood fights with Light, enraged one minute and amused the next, but
this one doesn't feel like something that's going to seek that outlet.

i imagine, just like everything other mood, this'll pass and just leave me
jangling uselessly until it does. normally, i try and ride my moods, since
letting them ride me is so much more depressing, but i can't get a handle on
this one. half an hour to lunch, then another hour until a meeting, then
an hour of that and then home, and maybe i can burn some of this out moving
books and legos around before my favorite exroommate shows up. there's the
sensation of a pill stuck in my throat that no amount of water will make go
away, my cuticles are ragged and my skin looks like i'm back to the
pre-retina adolescent version of myself.

but there's hope of the hottubs, and spark, and unexpected this weekend, and
cake or muffins, and light and i have had fantastic dinners for the past two
nights in a room, and maybe this weekend, we'll be making some of the walls
in my house a new color. and maybe this is what creatures like me do when
we find safety, hunker down and make it safer. and every time i try and
deny it, the fact that for every door closed, another one opens up and
smacks me. now, all i need is to find a group to game with and the
ability to teleport to jacksonville and sanfrancisco, and i'll have more
than half of most of what i want.

flashflood, indeed.