"not all the changes are visible"

shivers of some sort, probably dread, and there's that sinking feeling of moving too fast, but in no particular direction.

there's paranoia as well, not about light currently, but about everyone else, as though i wasn't doing something right, but i don't know what that right thing is.

had a wonderful time out with cherished last night, and it calmed me, and i got a little more cleaning done, and i really am not sure what we'll be doing with history tonight, i just want to be around him, and i think if i were a froofy pagan, i'd admit he grounds me.

presents to buy (AT-AT for Atlantic (whose name will now probably wander back and forth from Mech to Atlantic. and to continue the correspondence, Pacific will become Media) and a book for notsosecretcrush, if i can find the right one, presents to wrap, blouses to try and iron (where's my iron? i don't think i currently know, 'cause it was in my tv stand and now it's not.) cat litter to clean, and that's just the absolutely-must-happen. but if i'm lucky, i'll see Becoming and Feline this weekend, and i don't want to exhaust light, or hurt his back, but i think part of this butterfly me is trying to stave off this desperate sense of bad-person-ness, of loss. half staving of the inevitable loss of self that incipient parent-seeing brings about, half something else, something deeper.

"not all the changes are visible"

shivers of some sort, probably dread, and there's that sinking feeling of moving too fast, but in no particular direction.

there's paranoia as well, not about light currently, but about everyone else, as though i wasn't doing something right, but i don't know what that right thing is.

had a wonderful time out with cherished last night, and it calmed me, and i got a little more cleaning done, and i really am not sure what we'll be doing with history tonight, i just want to be around him, and i think if i were a froofy pagan, i'd admit he grounds me.

presents to buy (AT-AT for Atlantic (whose name will now probably wander back and forth from Mech to Atlantic. and to continue the correspondence, Pacific will become Media) and a book for notsosecretcrush, if i can find the right one, presents to wrap, blouses to try and iron (where's my iron? i don't think i currently know, 'cause it was in my tv stand and now it's not.) cat litter to clean, and that's just the absolutely-must-happen. but if i'm lucky, i'll see Becoming and Feline this weekend, and i don't want to exhaust light, or hurt his back, but i think part of this butterfly me is trying to stave off this desperate sense of bad-person-ness, of loss. half staving of the inevitable loss of self that incipient parent-seeing brings about, half something else, something deeper.