"you can't contain all of that rain"

do you ever start plotting arguments in your head?

and know, pretty much for certain, that if you can hold onto your cajones, that you're right about how they will play (even if that's a pretty big if)?

i know how i was raised, i know how my parents expect to be able to manipulate me, and more and more of the time they fail. though i've schooled myself not to express desires for anything to them, they've got the trump card of my little brothers to play, and they always will. this friday will not be pretty, and as much as i hope it's about ben and the fact that he, too, is out to conquer the world (not a failure like their crazy daughter), i haven't seen them since the very beginning of this year and I've done that on purpose, and though my mother's spilled some of her poison out over the phone, it's always more effective in person.

it's hard to be strong enough to deal with this. my stoicism was built upon the idea i didn't deserve any better, and now that light's poking pinholes in that theory, it's not quite as stable a structure. it was okay if they don't love me because i'm bad. well, not okay, but it makes a certain sort of sense. if the sense goes out of the equation, so does the calm.

and there are so many things to do, and no time to do them, and i don't know what to do for Light, he's in pain and restless and miserable, and i have to go buy presents and between the additional dentistry, the car, and some luxuries i really should have bought myself, i'm not only failing to put anything away, but i actually had to dip into savings to pay for everything this month, which makes me feel like i'm hemorhagging money, (a reasonable feeling, since i am) and i bought the worst teakettle ever and a dishmat that doesn't fit, and i started to cry on Light last night, but made myself stop, and so i'm stuck full of tears, and i just want to have a nice satisfying crying jag, without worrying about sounding selfish or dripping snot.

and i think i might have been kidding myself about it getting easier. or maybe i've just lost perspective.

edit: after reading motion and history's posts, i feel kinda bouncy. still daunted by the immediate, but i'll most likely find the other side of it.

"you can't contain all of that rain"

do you ever start plotting arguments in your head?

and know, pretty much for certain, that if you can hold onto your cajones, that you're right about how they will play (even if that's a pretty big if)?

i know how i was raised, i know how my parents expect to be able to manipulate me, and more and more of the time they fail. though i've schooled myself not to express desires for anything to them, they've got the trump card of my little brothers to play, and they always will. this friday will not be pretty, and as much as i hope it's about ben and the fact that he, too, is out to conquer the world (not a failure like their crazy daughter), i haven't seen them since the very beginning of this year and I've done that on purpose, and though my mother's spilled some of her poison out over the phone, it's always more effective in person.

it's hard to be strong enough to deal with this. my stoicism was built upon the idea i didn't deserve any better, and now that light's poking pinholes in that theory, it's not quite as stable a structure. it was okay if they don't love me because i'm bad. well, not okay, but it makes a certain sort of sense. if the sense goes out of the equation, so does the calm.

and there are so many things to do, and no time to do them, and i don't know what to do for Light, he's in pain and restless and miserable, and i have to go buy presents and between the additional dentistry, the car, and some luxuries i really should have bought myself, i'm not only failing to put anything away, but i actually had to dip into savings to pay for everything this month, which makes me feel like i'm hemorhagging money, (a reasonable feeling, since i am) and i bought the worst teakettle ever and a dishmat that doesn't fit, and i started to cry on Light last night, but made myself stop, and so i'm stuck full of tears, and i just want to have a nice satisfying crying jag, without worrying about sounding selfish or dripping snot.

and i think i might have been kidding myself about it getting easier. or maybe i've just lost perspective.

edit: after reading motion and history's posts, i feel kinda bouncy. still daunted by the immediate, but i'll most likely find the other side of it.

"we can send a car to find you"

i wonder about posting a reading list. history and cherished did, but i can't figure out how to say "all the books ever" and not sound like a pompous ass or a braggart.

i want to be full of books, i used to think if i read enough, i could drown out everything else and just know things about people worked about how language worked about how to communicate meaningfully how to show what i was thinking in a way that took it out of my head and made sense.

it's not that i can't absorb facts, i tend to be able to synthesize knowledge, and if i can see the moving parts in my head, i can tell how things interconnect, and i like the pictures clean things make (like the poetryweb, like the things junkyard and atlantic teach me, like the good parts of work.) (and i hate when people don't share my enthusiasm, and the only person who seemed to really understand why the poetryweb was exciting went to ground after like one and half conversations)

it's just that it seemed more important, first as defense and then as sociology and then as something as close to spirituality as this little girl is going to get, to understand the _why_, and i've loved the idea of narrative almost as much as i've mistrusted it for as long as i remember.

so, off the top of my head, reading list for the immediate future

( warned you )

"we can send a car to find you"

i wonder about posting a reading list. history and cherished did, but i can't figure out how to say "all the books ever" and not sound like a pompous ass or a braggart.

i want to be full of books, i used to think if i read enough, i could drown out everything else and just know things about people worked about how language worked about how to communicate meaningfully how to show what i was thinking in a way that took it out of my head and made sense.

it's not that i can't absorb facts, i tend to be able to synthesize knowledge, and if i can see the moving parts in my head, i can tell how things interconnect, and i like the pictures clean things make (like the poetryweb, like the things junkyard and atlantic teach me, like the good parts of work.) (and i hate when people don't share my enthusiasm, and the only person who seemed to really understand why the poetryweb was exciting went to ground after like one and half conversations)

it's just that it seemed more important, first as defense and then as sociology and then as something as close to spirituality as this little girl is going to get, to understand the _why_, and i've loved the idea of narrative almost as much as i've mistrusted it for as long as i remember.

so, off the top of my head, reading list for the immediate future

( warned you )