(no subject)

not the best set of days, but certainly not the worst.

today was better. light's more mobile, and we got his desk set up in what was once Wary's bedroom, and there's a recliner for me to stare at the back of his head while he plays games, and a table for a lamp and books and a cup of tea, so the living room's cleaner, and i got up at the asscrack of dawn for no discernable reason, and got to pretty much finish cleaning the kitchen and the 'dining' room. and he bought me a little tea set, and some loose leaf, and Republic of Tea (or whatever) packs what they ship wrapped in the leftover paper from their round teabags.

and we went downtown for tostadas, and i'm oddly proud of him for being able to order horchata without making me say it anymore, and I bought an information society CD, and then later some lemondrops and maple candy lollipops.

of course, there was also the falling apart of the morning, exhausted from a week without a decent night's sleep, feeling weird about light's inability to leave bed for long periods of time, heartbroken to see Mech and Media and knowing that now they'll both be the entire width of the country away from me, hating my parents, not understanding how to be okay with not _ever_ having been really alone except for when i was driving for what's now over a week.

i fell asleep driving again last night. had to pull over and sleep for a half hour at the ludlow rest stop, jerking awake when light called me after the previously proscribed time had past, slamming a knee into the steering wheel in a way that i can still feel.

Mech's graduation was...well, boring and annoying and sad, but i'm so incredibly proud of him, and he loved his gifts, and i didn't say anything unforgivable to my father, and i finagled it so i sat alone in the sun and finished Brief Conversations.

Media brought me back Gamespot tshirts for myself, and the book Masters of Doom, about the two men who made(?) Quake and Doom, and it's remarkably well written. and I bought Waifs and Strays downtown a couple nights ago, having a remarkable time yet again with cherished, who continually reminds me how uncomplicated some friendships can be, just honest affection and enthusiasm.

i still want a cigarette, and i still feel like mech's leaving me specifically, and i still want to wander off on my own without feeling guilty about it (and i know that's not light's issue, but mine, he tells me to go if i want to, but i can't find the right kind of wanting in me yet) and i kind of just want the summer to start already, and all the incredibly intriguing plans to fall into place and happen.

patience has never exactly been my watchword.

(no subject)

not the best set of days, but certainly not the worst.

today was better. light's more mobile, and we got his desk set up in what was once Wary's bedroom, and there's a recliner for me to stare at the back of his head while he plays games, and a table for a lamp and books and a cup of tea, so the living room's cleaner, and i got up at the asscrack of dawn for no discernable reason, and got to pretty much finish cleaning the kitchen and the 'dining' room. and he bought me a little tea set, and some loose leaf, and Republic of Tea (or whatever) packs what they ship wrapped in the leftover paper from their round teabags.

and we went downtown for tostadas, and i'm oddly proud of him for being able to order horchata without making me say it anymore, and I bought an information society CD, and then later some lemondrops and maple candy lollipops.

of course, there was also the falling apart of the morning, exhausted from a week without a decent night's sleep, feeling weird about light's inability to leave bed for long periods of time, heartbroken to see Mech and Media and knowing that now they'll both be the entire width of the country away from me, hating my parents, not understanding how to be okay with not _ever_ having been really alone except for when i was driving for what's now over a week.

i fell asleep driving again last night. had to pull over and sleep for a half hour at the ludlow rest stop, jerking awake when light called me after the previously proscribed time had past, slamming a knee into the steering wheel in a way that i can still feel.

Mech's graduation was...well, boring and annoying and sad, but i'm so incredibly proud of him, and he loved his gifts, and i didn't say anything unforgivable to my father, and i finagled it so i sat alone in the sun and finished Brief Conversations.

Media brought me back Gamespot tshirts for myself, and the book Masters of Doom, about the two men who made(?) Quake and Doom, and it's remarkably well written. and I bought Waifs and Strays downtown a couple nights ago, having a remarkable time yet again with cherished, who continually reminds me how uncomplicated some friendships can be, just honest affection and enthusiasm.

i still want a cigarette, and i still feel like mech's leaving me specifically, and i still want to wander off on my own without feeling guilty about it (and i know that's not light's issue, but mine, he tells me to go if i want to, but i can't find the right kind of wanting in me yet) and i kind of just want the summer to start already, and all the incredibly intriguing plans to fall into place and happen.

patience has never exactly been my watchword.