"Remember the pact of our youth"
Oct. 28th, 2020 12:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturThe only way to start again is to start, I guess.
There's almost no narrative to my days, nothing I know how to say to people anymore. I don't read much these days, I mostly play silly tablet games and listen to podcasts or music. I abandoned both of my larger cross-stitch projects and instead have been doing some silly, smaller halloween ornaments.
I'm buying all sorts of things to self-soothe, and none of them are exactly working, but some of them are better than others.
My meds have changed, again, and this feels more successful than other attempts at doing the same thing have been. It's also my first go-round with a stimulant and I'm crying a lot less and being a lot better about noticing I'm going into emotional tailspins and correcting before I really get down in my feelings.
I suspect in both of my volunteer endeavors (half? maybe half, depending on what I'm counting when) I'm dealing with someone who might not like me, and my hypervigilance tries to pick out the meaning in their punctuation and intonation and all the like, but I've decided to be all thwarty and be actively pleasant and grateful and pretend I don't notice. And since I might be making the whole thing up, and I'll never know if I am, I may be playing this elaborate game with people who are barely noticing me, but I get to inhabit this place of aggressive cheerfulness/appreciation and I think it's a half-decent place for me to be.
I've been walking in the Fells most mornings. I'm sad I didn't start until pretty recently, but glad that I figured out a way to get myself away from the house and moving. I've been taking pictures every day, and trying to post one to instagram. The world has more than enough amateur photographers posting pictures of newengland forest-type vistas, but as Abundance tells me, it's a good practice even if it's in no way uncommon, and it's definitely making me make sure I'm observing more than just my footing.
The puppy is puppy-adorable and puppy-vexing, and mostly house-trained. Hands and Hips want to have a fancy-dress Halloween dinner with finger food and Delight had a bunch of lovely ideas and now I have to convince myself to make them into realities. I haven't been cooking many new dishes lately, or at least it doesn't feel like I am, I'm too concerned about my lack of resilience when something doesn't turn out well to try new things for the most part.
I'm running up against several walls and am not sure what to do about any of them. I think I'm lonely, just like everyone else, and don't remember how to reach out, or never knew in the first place. I'm thinking a lot about community, and what sorts of access I have to which ones and what it might be like to try to fully immerse myself in any of them, but mostly I want to do online jigsaw puzzles and pet cats, and the cats haven't entirely forgiven us for the puppy.
There's almost no narrative to my days, nothing I know how to say to people anymore. I don't read much these days, I mostly play silly tablet games and listen to podcasts or music. I abandoned both of my larger cross-stitch projects and instead have been doing some silly, smaller halloween ornaments.
I'm buying all sorts of things to self-soothe, and none of them are exactly working, but some of them are better than others.
My meds have changed, again, and this feels more successful than other attempts at doing the same thing have been. It's also my first go-round with a stimulant and I'm crying a lot less and being a lot better about noticing I'm going into emotional tailspins and correcting before I really get down in my feelings.
I suspect in both of my volunteer endeavors (half? maybe half, depending on what I'm counting when) I'm dealing with someone who might not like me, and my hypervigilance tries to pick out the meaning in their punctuation and intonation and all the like, but I've decided to be all thwarty and be actively pleasant and grateful and pretend I don't notice. And since I might be making the whole thing up, and I'll never know if I am, I may be playing this elaborate game with people who are barely noticing me, but I get to inhabit this place of aggressive cheerfulness/appreciation and I think it's a half-decent place for me to be.
I've been walking in the Fells most mornings. I'm sad I didn't start until pretty recently, but glad that I figured out a way to get myself away from the house and moving. I've been taking pictures every day, and trying to post one to instagram. The world has more than enough amateur photographers posting pictures of newengland forest-type vistas, but as Abundance tells me, it's a good practice even if it's in no way uncommon, and it's definitely making me make sure I'm observing more than just my footing.
The puppy is puppy-adorable and puppy-vexing, and mostly house-trained. Hands and Hips want to have a fancy-dress Halloween dinner with finger food and Delight had a bunch of lovely ideas and now I have to convince myself to make them into realities. I haven't been cooking many new dishes lately, or at least it doesn't feel like I am, I'm too concerned about my lack of resilience when something doesn't turn out well to try new things for the most part.
I'm running up against several walls and am not sure what to do about any of them. I think I'm lonely, just like everyone else, and don't remember how to reach out, or never knew in the first place. I'm thinking a lot about community, and what sorts of access I have to which ones and what it might be like to try to fully immerse myself in any of them, but mostly I want to do online jigsaw puzzles and pet cats, and the cats haven't entirely forgiven us for the puppy.
no subject
Date: 2020-10-28 08:33 pm (UTC)