"I tried to do handstands for you"

[omnia_mutantur]

Well, I let this place get away from me.  It felt unsafe, and I realized that I either have to change my readership, my habit of posting unlocked or my way of posting and none of those felt good to me.  It doesn't help that my days all feel the same.   I don't do much, I don't think much, I read and play My Life at Portia and do homemaker things and feel guilty about not having an income.  

I've been into Stop'n'Shop twice since the pandemic started.  Because of surgery, I basically started my quarantine a month early (no driving or lifting for four-six weeks after 2/20).  At one point, this felt deeply unkind, back when it was double the amount of time other people had spent in quarantine.  But proportions are a thing and now it just feels a little sad. 
 

I've got this whole realm of my life that i'm just Not Talking About With Anyone, and I've been journaling solo, but much like I said before, I go dark when I journal for myself, and I suspect that hasn't been good for anyone, but it's mostly affecting me.

I switched from Trintellix to Lamictal, but no fatal rashes yet.  
 

After applying for 47 puppies only to be rejected either because we lived in MA or because there's a puppy shortage in the northeast, last Saturday we drove down to CT and received a puppy out of the back of a white hertz van in a parking lot.   She is tiny, black with a white blaze and socks that are lightly freckled and a white tip of her tail.  Her nickname has quickly become Rumpus, because she and Nonsense play together endlessly and so well.  (I learned the term jaw-sparring for the open mouthed way dogs play)  She was billed as a shepherd/lab cross, but has at least a little pitbull and now that Hips has pointed it out, a little hound around the ears.

I started taking two mile walks in the morning.  It started off exploring the neighborhood with Nonsense, but after she wrenched both my shoulder and my knee on two separate walks attempting to catch bunnies to play with, I started going solo.  I stopped exploring the neighborhood and started walking down towards Spot Pond.  I've even been posting a picture to Instagram most days, mostly of an interesting plant I find on the way.  It's replaced driving as audiobook time, which is lovely (i've discovered I walk faster when I'm mad at a book).  .

Since, we sold our other house, finally, we've been buying extravagant things like a clock from etsy, and a doormat that says "Hope you like cats".  I finally live in a single-family, which means I can put whatever fucking signage I want outside, and while I don't think I deserve a cookie for it, someday I'll be able to give the direction to my house as "the one with the pride flag".  

I'm still burnt out and avoidant of Primrose, I'm still weird and sad most of the time.  I feel like there's no way to rock a quarantine, and almost all the social connections that hadn't already withered in the previous two years are withering now and I keep meaning to send postcards and letters but stall out when actually confronted with blank paper.  I used to send SSG postcards all the time, with other people's poems on them, and it felt like a mixtape and I want that again but don't know how to get it. 
 

I go through spasms of cooking, making bunches of things I really enjoy and then just punting for entire weeks.   I've got morning glory oatmeal in the fridge, and the ingredients for five other dishes and at least one cake (i've lost the recipe for the chocolate cake that involved almond extract and am super-annoyed at myself), I've made Alton Brown's banana bread, and this amazing cold chickpea, feta and roasted red pepper salad.   I've abandoned my bullet journal and am trying to keep a running list of things I've done in a day (even if it's dumb) because it at least gives me the sense that even if a day seems a waste, it contained something).  

I lost one of my favorite earrings, believed that I'd killed the puppy because of course she'd swallowed it, found it a little later, unswallowed, and haven't convinced myself to put it back in.  Which is fine, I'm mostly dressing for comfort these days.  (I have a thing about saving clothes for the right occasion, and my partners already know I'm all about smashing the patriarchy and tiny cat believing in you).  I started quarantine intending to figure out a little more about eyeshadow, then quickly developed painfully dry eyes (thanks allergies) and haven't touched my collection since.  

 

I want to come back here, I want to find things to talk about.  I have no staying power any more, 90% of the habits I keep trying to start fall away.    My therapist told me to get on a website and start flirting with people and I logged into okc and instantaneously became actively miserable.  Life, you seem very lifey, have you thought about maybe trying a different difficulty setting?

Comments

[minerva42]

Still reading! Thanks for posting!
Good job going on walks - I've been meaning to explore my new neighborhood more but it's just so hot right now. All the plants want to grow now quickly big fast. Very verdant but less friendly for us humans.

What've you been reading/listening to?

How do your organize and prioritize the things you do?

Congrats on the puppy! Would love to see photos.

[omnia_mutantur]

If I wasn't getting up at 6am, I don't think there's any way I'd be walking. Your neighborhood will still be there when it's a temperature that's somewhat more hospitable to humans.

Reading: I just finished A Song of Wraiths and Ruin because I liked the worldbuilding even though I kind of loathed the protagonists, do not recommend. American Sherlock is a biography of the dude who started using science on crime scenes. Favorite lately was probably Max Brook's Devolution which is super-hard to explain, but is brutal and fascinating.

Unfortunately, almost all of my motivation, organization and prioritization comes from negative self-talk these days. Usually if something that needs to get done stays on the list for more than a couple days, I get really stern with myself and forbid myself my computer game or something equivalent until I get it done.

[sabotabby]

I def. need a lower difficulty setting.

But...puppy??? Pictures?

[meepettemu]

I’ve missed your lyrics and now I’m playing that song because ear worm :)

Puppy is very cute!!

[kat_lair]

Always read with interest, rarely have anything useful to say... But your cooking sounds amazing. I'm feeling a bit burned out over cooking because it's so constant. Would love to see puppy pics!

[omnia_mutantur]

Oh, I'm only talking about the highlights, not the days when the choices are pasta and a jar of sauce, takeout or string cheese and tortilla chips. Thank you for saying even this.

[which_chick]

Hang in there! (I agree that the life difficulty settings could use some adjusting. Thus far 2020 has been a brutal level with crappy treasure and save points of minimal utility. Also, the objectives are poorly defined and the quality of play is unsatisfactory. Two stars, would not recommend.)

Good for you taking walks. I've always felt getting out and about (even when I don't really feel like it) does wonders for my overall mood and well-being.

(I do not try to be hostile or weird when posting replies to people's stuff. If this is hostile or weird, I honestly, truly, for real do not mean it that way. I do not think that people's blogs are a good place for hostile and weird when there's a perfectly good reddit for that sort of behavior.)

[omnia_mutantur]

Nothing you've said is hostile and I'm not exactly someone to judge other people's words for weirdness or not. Really, it's just nice to feel like someone's reading, so thank you for this.