omnia_mutantur | And I'm leaning on this broken fence

I guess the timeless nature of now has some positive as well as negative side effects - I thought I'd gone a couple days without posting but it's only been one, which is a win to counter the loss of completely failing to keep an appointment I made today. I really, truly need to get better about looking at the calendar daily, even if there's almost never anything on it.

Had therapy today, it wasn't a sobbing day. Some days the membrane between me and weeping seems so thin and permeable as to basically not exist, some days I'm all rubbery and tough and hate talking online. I think there's a part of it that still feels fundamentally unsafe, either I need to be looking at my own face, dealing with the idea of someone else seeing me and me not seeing them, or have no camera (which is the only way I'm able to tolerate therapy) which means there's no nonverbal information incoming and then basically, once again, everything that moves is a wolf.

Having finished the Latin tree in duolingo, I tried to switch over to Spanish. Turns out, this is not my style. Re-learning latin was okay, because I remembered a bunch of the basics about grammar and it was more a process of reacquainting myself. Apparently, I need to feel like I have the basics of grammar before I'm comfortable getting all wild with sentences. Tried greek, but am not sure I'm going to make the switch from classical to modern with any sort of grace (the letters, they're all pronounced differently) but I'm too fucking stubbornly attached to my 104 day duolingo streak.

A couple of weeks ago, witchcraft class did a ritual for sort of...the general wellbeing of the community, and we all went around and repeated this set of phrases over and over again, substituting everyone's names one by one.

I am healthy.
I am safe.
The people I love are healthy and safe.
I am part of a stable community.

Not because we believed any of that, but because that's what we wanted to be true, what we wanted to work towards. And I keep thinking about the "I am part of a stable community" and what pretty much each of those words mean. I'm willing to go with my working definition of I and my grasp of articles but each of the rest feels like it throws me off balance in a different way. Not quite in the poisoned by failure, jack daniels and postmodernism way of the late nineties, when I forgot how to use language to express things, more about what I would or could recognize, and is recognition what makes the reality.

Yeah, it's late and I'm slipping this under the wire. There's more to think about here, about what or to whom I want to belong, about what being a part of something means to me, do I have to be integral? pulling in the same direction? I already know that stable doesn't mean unshakeable to me, it means capable of shifting when things shake, which seems like such a banal realization, but even if I don't usually manage to believe them, I have long wanted promises and learning to let go of that has been something of a struggle.