omnia_mutantur | "Rely a bit too heavily"

There are days when I get up a good four hours before the next person in the house gets up, and it feels like almost a whole day, like I want a nap by the time someone else is awake. And I'm lightly disturbed by how much I'm napping, I believe/know I should be doing something more productive with my time, but it feels like such a relief to be able to take little vacations from my brain eating itself that if my body tells me it could sleep I'm all over that.

Little vacations, ack. I used to think of smoking (well, I still think of smoking, I'm just not doing it) as little vacations, moments in time where I could just focus on this specific task and the very present sensations. And it wasn't like I savored every cigarette, at my peak I was a two-pack-a-day smoker, there's no way to savor all of them. And nicotine was definitely a big plus too.

But, much like every other time I'm in distress, or stress, or anxiety, fuck do I want a cigarette. I know it's a filthy habit, I'll never pick it up again, I once kissed a smoker after I stopped smoking and it was a revelation, I have other things I'd prefer to spend money on, I have no active intentions towards shortening my life. But, little vacations from self. (which is also how I think of drinking and I can't imagine how many people this quarantine is assisting fall off various wagons)

I have zero desire to be singing a one note song about my addictive personality, it feels like a boring song that I know I'm bored by, but it just takes up so much mental real estate. And there are days when I still worry it's just a cry for attention, though I'm slowly coming to realize that's a really fucked up thing to think about myself and there are days that I think if I managed to quit, I was never really an addict in the first place (the logic goes - if I can do a thing, it must be easy because i'm nothing special. If it's easy to quit, it must not have been a real problem in the first place) On the other hand, two different people have apologized to me for drinking humor since this whole thing started and one of them was my father-in-law (well, he asked Light if I'd want a direct apology and I said no, indirect was good for me) so there's that. Though of course I go back and forth on thinking I should just lighten up, though I'd shut that shit down in a second if it was upsetting, offending or making someone else uncomfortable. Step one: become aware of double standards. Step two: blog about them. Step three: fucked if I know.

I sometimes become enamoured of something on etsy and then find out that it's a pop culture reference that I'm either unfamiliar with or uninterested in. But in the process of looking for the mug that I once found that said "every day's a battle but whatever I'm scrappy" I found another mug that said "I'm picking my battles and it is all of them" which is much less true, I'd probably be a better person if I picked more battles, but I adore the commitment and if it is, like half of everything else, an office or an arrested development quote, I just don't want to know.