"Whatever we think actions are"

[omnia_mutantur]

leaning into the many disconnected sentiments/sentences.  

 

I really truly could do without that fun thing I do where I say something the wrong way and then just spend the rest of the day fretting about it.  And getting that weird unsafe feeling in the pit of my stomach.

 

Also, seriously, how do people look at themselves this much?  I'm too anxious not to know what face I'm making if I'm on camera,  but I find it upsetting to see myself as well.  So I go the antisocial route and turn off my camera most of the time, despite feeling like it's nice to see other people's faces.

 

I almost put glitter eyeliner on for a meeting that I didn't intend to turn my camera on, just because I miss glitter.  But I also recently did something really unfortunate to one of my eyes crying (something eyelid-related, at this point in my life subconjunctival hemorrhages are just what I do on wednesdays) and I'm waiting until my eye stops hurting to try wearing makeup again.

 

Planning things for the other side of all this feels joyful and hopeless in turns.  But there's still a list in the back of my head (well, two lists, but one list is just Delight-Spark-Spark-Delight-Delight-Spark) and there's some boring stuff like I want a haircut, and to go to the dentist, but I also want to go eat sushi in a restaurant and sit in a coffee shop (probably zing) and drink something ridiculous and sit near strangers and read a book.

 

We still have our holiday tree up.  It is a once-alive tree that has somehow fossilized.  Occasionally the cats run into it and a couple needles fall off, and I'm pretty sure it's going to spontaneously combust at some point, but until then it makes me really happy to refuse to take it down.  And since it's in a room that we still own no furniture for, I claim it makes it look less empty.

Tomorrow - talk about trying to find something to binge-watch, about the lawn, about comparing myself to people who are relentlessly busy as a coping strategy
 

 

Comments

[totient]

currently binge watching The Marvelous Mrs Maisel. If you haven't done that one yet it's highly bingeable.

[sabotabby]

Also, seriously, how do people look at themselves this much? I'm too anxious not to know what face I'm making if I'm on camera, but I find it upsetting to see myself as well. So I go the antisocial route and turn off my camera most of the time, despite feeling like it's nice to see other people's faces.

The only thing worse than not seeing myself is knowing that other people can see me and not knowing if it's a good angle/decent framing/flattering lighting.

[omnia_mutantur]

Yes! I know people look at me when I'm out in public and I have no control over what angle they see me from, but somehow I Must Know if I'm in an online meeting.