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omnia_mutanturi'm tired past the point of being able to put it to words. i've got this horrible head cold which is moving into my lungs, which means i'm fine as long as i don't cough, laugh, breathe deeply or bend over. and it's hard to think when everything's swimming in a sea of mucus and exhaustion.
we almost started to decorate the other night, but got side tracked (by what, i have no idea. well, probably the kitten.)
my princess-cat came back from the vet, and we've got to feed her some sort of medicine twice a day, and then after her dental surgery, we have to start feeding her baby aspirin twice a week, because apparently her heart's all fucked up.
i'm all weepy, but i don't think it's about anything in particular, just lonely and missing people and sad of having white walls, and i can't fix up the library because the kitten's in there, and i want the girls to just get along so i can have my room back, and i feel like some sort of low-grade heartbreak, like i'm giving up something or losing something, but i don't know what it is. or maybe i think some sort of trouble's coming, like a storm or a flood. i owe the cable company some obscene amount of money, because the cable modem never got returned, and i know i have to find energy to go return it, but i'm running on a deficit right now, and i can't get the house clean, seek out people, decorate, run errands, etc. and i know it's only been since sunday, but it feels like i've been one sort of sick or another forever. and i put a really good face on it monday, and went out and sort of socialized, but not really. mostly, was reminded why i've dropped off that particular radar, not that i was ever really on it.
i'm repeating to myself over and over again that it's just that i'm sick, that's all. that slowly, this will all feel less like chores, less overwhelming, less scary. the blank walls won't always be blank, the kitten won't always be confined to that one room, i'll figure out how to have a social life again, my cell phone will work, my little brother will call back, my eating habits will stabilize, i'll figure my finances out, and i'll sleep through the night.
we were going to go away last weekend, but i didn't get enough of the apartment cleaned. so i blew the vacation. which is probably for the best, light doesn't seem too comfortable with the state of his finances, and while one night in a hotel won't break the bank, it certainly won't make the end number go up. but i want a vacation, and i'm not sure why. some sort of re-set button, or pause button, where i don't feel like i'm perpetually in danger of losing my balance, my temper, my focus.
whingewhinge whingewhinge whingewhinge.
why don't i write anymore?
i keep wanting to try something. take a class, volunteer, find new recipes, figure out how to arrange the bedroom. but i never do.
am i done changing? 'cause, you know, that's the scariest thought i've had in a long time.
we almost started to decorate the other night, but got side tracked (by what, i have no idea. well, probably the kitten.)
my princess-cat came back from the vet, and we've got to feed her some sort of medicine twice a day, and then after her dental surgery, we have to start feeding her baby aspirin twice a week, because apparently her heart's all fucked up.
i'm all weepy, but i don't think it's about anything in particular, just lonely and missing people and sad of having white walls, and i can't fix up the library because the kitten's in there, and i want the girls to just get along so i can have my room back, and i feel like some sort of low-grade heartbreak, like i'm giving up something or losing something, but i don't know what it is. or maybe i think some sort of trouble's coming, like a storm or a flood. i owe the cable company some obscene amount of money, because the cable modem never got returned, and i know i have to find energy to go return it, but i'm running on a deficit right now, and i can't get the house clean, seek out people, decorate, run errands, etc. and i know it's only been since sunday, but it feels like i've been one sort of sick or another forever. and i put a really good face on it monday, and went out and sort of socialized, but not really. mostly, was reminded why i've dropped off that particular radar, not that i was ever really on it.
i'm repeating to myself over and over again that it's just that i'm sick, that's all. that slowly, this will all feel less like chores, less overwhelming, less scary. the blank walls won't always be blank, the kitten won't always be confined to that one room, i'll figure out how to have a social life again, my cell phone will work, my little brother will call back, my eating habits will stabilize, i'll figure my finances out, and i'll sleep through the night.
we were going to go away last weekend, but i didn't get enough of the apartment cleaned. so i blew the vacation. which is probably for the best, light doesn't seem too comfortable with the state of his finances, and while one night in a hotel won't break the bank, it certainly won't make the end number go up. but i want a vacation, and i'm not sure why. some sort of re-set button, or pause button, where i don't feel like i'm perpetually in danger of losing my balance, my temper, my focus.
whingewhinge whingewhinge whingewhinge.
why don't i write anymore?
i keep wanting to try something. take a class, volunteer, find new recipes, figure out how to arrange the bedroom. but i never do.
am i done changing? 'cause, you know, that's the scariest thought i've had in a long time.
