"battered, but i never bruise"
Sep. 3rd, 2004 03:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturSo, I've decided to skip on one of motion's questions for the moment, because it is simply impossible to answer in any way that doesn't involve me being drunk, suicidal or some version of victim.
you've seen the meme, if you don't have your questions yet, it's simply because i'm still crafting them.
the ones i could answer are behind
1. Why do you fear love, or having faith in love, as much as you do? And I don't mean for you to explain to me all the ways in which people have fucked you over--we all have those stories--I mean for you to explain why, as intelligent and perceptive as you are, you look at something you think of as (and that has been demonstrated as) good, and question it. Why can you not reason yourself out?
answer: i fear love because i've made myself a lot of promises, as i've regained my sanity/composure, and love seems to involve breaking every single one of them, and i had damn good reasons for making them in the first place. i have sworn to myself, and to the one person to whom i will never break a promise (Mech) that i will not cause my own death by my action or inaction. and since my highs seems to correspond to my lows, and this is the highest i've ever been in recent or notsorecent memory, it seems that if a low is to come, it will follow the same law of correspondence, and if i lose my grip enough, i might not be able to keep my promise. it is not as simple as if he leaves, i will kill myself, but that suicidal is a familiar place and the paths there are well worn, and i don't want to go anywhere near them.
and the other, subtler reason is that i am afraid that life possesses agency, and a malicious one at that, and if i ever let myself completely relax and enjoy anything, that will be the cosmic signal for the rug to be yanked out from under me.
2. What was the reason you decided not to have children?
biological: i have a birth defect, and reports vary on my chances of carrying a fetus to term, both alive and uncrippled, and that is simply one in a long list of genetic blackmarks a child of mine would carry. alcoholism, chronic depression, crohn's disease, etc. and i'm afraid of how badly my mother and father fucked me up, and i have no faith in my ability to work through enough of that to be a good mother.
social: zero population growth. the world is too full, too dangerous, too ugly for me to think that bringing someone into it is a good or kind idea. if i were to want to raise a child, it seems there are enough unwanted ones to go around.
personal: i'm selfish. i want light all to myself, i want nice things, and quiet when i want it, and dozens of cats, and weekends away whenever i can, and all the reading i can possibly handle. someday i want a house with built-in bookshelves, and a giant shiny kitchen, and i want it near the ocean, and i want a hybrid car of my own, and all the other things that would have to fall off the list were children to be put upon it.
3. Tell me a favorite holiday memory. I'm not implying "good" by saying favorite...I'm saying tell me one that you think is a good story, one that tells us something important about you.
can't do it.
4. What is the most peaceful moment you've ever experienced?
it's not a calendared kind of moment, and it's happened more than once, but right around now, every year, before the heat's on, but it's chilly, and my cats take to falling asleep on top of me, or curled up behind my knees, and i wake up and they're boneless and happy and warm and purring and their love for me is so completely unconditional as to be near religious.
5. What do you want to accomplish in your life?
make people better for having known me, and stay alive to the end of it.
you've seen the meme, if you don't have your questions yet, it's simply because i'm still crafting them.
the ones i could answer are behind
1. Why do you fear love, or having faith in love, as much as you do? And I don't mean for you to explain to me all the ways in which people have fucked you over--we all have those stories--I mean for you to explain why, as intelligent and perceptive as you are, you look at something you think of as (and that has been demonstrated as) good, and question it. Why can you not reason yourself out?
answer: i fear love because i've made myself a lot of promises, as i've regained my sanity/composure, and love seems to involve breaking every single one of them, and i had damn good reasons for making them in the first place. i have sworn to myself, and to the one person to whom i will never break a promise (Mech) that i will not cause my own death by my action or inaction. and since my highs seems to correspond to my lows, and this is the highest i've ever been in recent or notsorecent memory, it seems that if a low is to come, it will follow the same law of correspondence, and if i lose my grip enough, i might not be able to keep my promise. it is not as simple as if he leaves, i will kill myself, but that suicidal is a familiar place and the paths there are well worn, and i don't want to go anywhere near them.
and the other, subtler reason is that i am afraid that life possesses agency, and a malicious one at that, and if i ever let myself completely relax and enjoy anything, that will be the cosmic signal for the rug to be yanked out from under me.
2. What was the reason you decided not to have children?
biological: i have a birth defect, and reports vary on my chances of carrying a fetus to term, both alive and uncrippled, and that is simply one in a long list of genetic blackmarks a child of mine would carry. alcoholism, chronic depression, crohn's disease, etc. and i'm afraid of how badly my mother and father fucked me up, and i have no faith in my ability to work through enough of that to be a good mother.
social: zero population growth. the world is too full, too dangerous, too ugly for me to think that bringing someone into it is a good or kind idea. if i were to want to raise a child, it seems there are enough unwanted ones to go around.
personal: i'm selfish. i want light all to myself, i want nice things, and quiet when i want it, and dozens of cats, and weekends away whenever i can, and all the reading i can possibly handle. someday i want a house with built-in bookshelves, and a giant shiny kitchen, and i want it near the ocean, and i want a hybrid car of my own, and all the other things that would have to fall off the list were children to be put upon it.
3. Tell me a favorite holiday memory. I'm not implying "good" by saying favorite...I'm saying tell me one that you think is a good story, one that tells us something important about you.
can't do it.
4. What is the most peaceful moment you've ever experienced?
it's not a calendared kind of moment, and it's happened more than once, but right around now, every year, before the heat's on, but it's chilly, and my cats take to falling asleep on top of me, or curled up behind my knees, and i wake up and they're boneless and happy and warm and purring and their love for me is so completely unconditional as to be near religious.
5. What do you want to accomplish in your life?
make people better for having known me, and stay alive to the end of it.
