"Then at last into paths you can’t get through"

[omnia_mutantur]

 I say I'm awful at change.  The potential rephrase of "I struggle with change" has been suggested and firmly rejected.

 

I'd say I'm astounded by my ability to spin up all the ways that things could go wrong but I'm not.  And despite trying to come up with as many things to prepare for as possible, I never seem to come up with the right ones.  So I get to hang out with the dread of the possible and tell myself that if I just think harder, think better, maybe I'll come up with the right thing to dread and then I can work on the scaffolding that I'll need to not fall apart.

 

But it never works like that.  Or if it does, I only notice the times I need to make something work and I can't figure out how and I have to rely on tears, self-recrimination and self-directed anger to plaster a veneer of functionality on top of the cracks.

 

So, we're moving.  And I've already started to imagine ways for things to go wrong.

 

Our condo doesn't sell.

We discover something very wrong with Mech's house.

We hire the wrong people to do work and they fuck things up more and we have to hire people to fix the things the first people didn't fix. (lather, rinse, repeat)

Light will hate it.

Abundance will hate it.

No one will visit.

Everyone will judge us for being a three car family.

Nonsense will miss her dog walkers so much her behavior regresses.

Nonsense will find a way to scale the fence.

Somehow, I'll end up responsible for taking care of the outside.

Our neighbors will hate us.

Our stuff won't fit.

All of our stuff but our books will fit.

I'll renovate the kitchen wrong.

I'll choose the wrong paint colors.

It'll be just like 11 years ago, when I moved to Somerville and spent a year crying.

We'll never be able to sell it when we want to move and if we just held onto this longer it would be worth even more and the reason we can't is because I don't like it here and if I could just have been a little stronger, we'd have gotten more money and everything would be easier.

Somehow, the move will be stressful enough that one of the cats dies.

 

This list is not exhaustive, this is just a quick skim off the top of the fears.  And if I trace them further down, it's always about someone resenting me, someone leaving me, someone having to do something they don't want to do because I'm not strong enough and then resenting me and leaving me because of it.

 

Buying my little brother's house has been awesome in a couple respects, I don't have to make a decision based on one thirty minute experience with a house, we're not competing with anyone for it, we get to go visit it whenever we want in the two more weeks until we close.  And I think we found a price that will keep everyone feeling like they only caved a little bit and I don't suspect that this will do anything bad to my relationship with them (though I suspect Teach will harbor a few hurt feelings about the fact we're going to repaint the entire interior.  )

 

But I'm so scared and even when I try to plaster on all these reasons, chase down their sources, find the stories I need to tell myself about being able to survive just about anything, I still feel smaller for all the fear.  

 

I think I'll be excited again.  I think after the part where I'm not able to sleep because there's no noise, I'll really like having no noise.  I think after the part where I buy a bigger house and still don't have somewhere to put my books, I'll really like having a bigger house (I already know I'll like having a house with storage)

 

And there are better stories to tell myself, I know there are, but hope seems so dangerous still.

 

And this got a little more dark than intended, I'm still concerned about whatever audience I have thinking me weak for all of this.  but I also like to lay out the internal landscape, roll out the welcome mat at the same time as I sound the stay-away klaxon.

 

 

Comments

[kharanaodell]

1) i think the book i found you might lend itself well to color schemes.
2) crying for a year ends. I can attest.
3) you are so not weak. You go and love other human messy beings and canine and feline messy beings every day. It takes so much strength to love beings that grow and change and to believe that they are all worthy. You are, too.

[drwex]

You write like you were reading from the inside of my head. I'm both deeply sorry and deeply sympathetic that this affects you, too.

[pygment]

"And this got a little more dark than intended, I'm still concerned about whatever audience I have thinking me weak for all of this. but I also like to lay out the internal landscape, roll out the welcome mat at the same time as I sound the stay-away klaxon."

Actually I was going to say you sound like me when my anxiety hits. We can talk sometime about this if you are willing. *hugs offered*

[omnia_mutantur]

*hugs accepted* My anxiety and I are old friends, I just need to let it have a little room to breathe now and then.