(no subject)

[omnia_mutantur]

 I'm having some trouble detaching from outcome and expectation, and I tell myself over and over again, do nice things for people, volunteer, post to the internet all because you want to, not because it gets you something.   I'm not buying anything with the things I do, not love or security or peace or praise or membership to some secret or notsosecret ingroup.

 

But oh, do I want the praise.  And for some reason (hah!  some reason almost always equals=flaming insecurity) the praise I get is never the praise I want, it never soothes whatever wild beast lives in my brain that just wants to know if I did the right thing in the right way to make everyone happy with me so I don't need to be scared.   

 

And that's never possible, I'm always going to be scared, I'm never going to please everyone, I'm doing the sort of things with both the cons that people are going to have Strong Opinions about and once those come into play I'm never going to please everyone.  And the underlying truth is that I don't actually want to, I want to draw all sorts of lines in the sand and hold them, lines about consent and bullying and advocacy and I think I actually am comfortable being disliked for some of those.

 

But fuck does that placating response come on strong.  And fuck there are parts of me that want to validate everyone's experience and get everyone to acknowledge different people are working with different sets of information.

Comments

[kharanaodell]

I have many lines in the sand in terms of how much time I give people who do things that are harmful to my ability to function, but I have no lines in terms of acknowledging difference and feeling compassion for others who interpret things differently or do things differently. It's the heart of why I stay an educator. And also why I believe peace and reconciliation are always possible. Though that can be agonizing, too.

You are right

[pygment]

You aren't going to please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you.
Oh, and by the way, are you on the inside of my head? Cause I think many of these thoughts too.
But just the fact that you want to make a difference is amazing. Thank you for being you. The you with all of your insecurities and your hopes and wants. I appreciate you.

[electrolite37]

"And for some reason (hah! some reason almost always equals=flaming insecurity) the praise I get is never the praise I want, it never soothes whatever wild beast lives in my brain that just wants to know if I did the right thing in the right way to make everyone happy with me so I don't need to be scared."

This feels like it came right out of my own head. I don't have a solution, just a commiseration. I wish I had the solution, tho.