"send lawyers, guns and money"
Aug. 26th, 2004 11:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturstrange thoughts, all stirred up by moving, i think.
he asked if i thought this was rushed, if he had rushed me. and it's the first time where anyone could seriously pose that question to me. 'cause really, the idea of any one else, past or present, rushing me into major life changes is somewhat laughable. circumstances might rush, neuroses might rush, but never people.
the anxiety grows near unbearable, a panic attack every few seconds, and i'm constantly assume everyone thinks/feels the worst of me; a cryptic post history made about something that i'm sure isn't about me but i still wonder, or that kumquat's going to be pissed at me for getting her something, or that light's secretly mad at me for chickening out on getting two new kittens instead of one, spark's not online because she's blocked me, every whisper at work is about me, every unresponded IM is a deliberate slight. it's like narcissism, but more exhausting.
and i know i'm crazy, i'm not that important, and (this sentence took forever to type, as i struggled to convince myself of its truth) my friends love me. this is about moving, about leaving someplace that was mine to go someplace that is someone else's. this is plumbing the depths of a murkymurky pool, that i never bothered to investigate before. committing my safety into someone else's hands. not in any sort of backalley fight kind of way, but in moving into a lifestyle i couldn't pull off even temporarily by just myself. in the past, if roommates bailed, i had enough money to float the apartment while i found a replacement. now, if he bails, i'm the one that has to go find a place, has to find more safety. and while hopefully history's couch will always remain a sort of haven for me, no matter where it might be located, i'm coming dangerously close to not being my own safe haven. no man an island, and all that.
i'm not sure rushed is applicable though, because i remain in the "can't not" kind of love. and while i'm sure i'd survive if he left me, or started abusing my cats and i had to kill him and bury him the back yard, i'd survive, i can't imagine not being with him. i can't imagine not wanting to be with him. i don't want to be able to imagine either scenario. Fights aren't about whether or not we should be together, just about how we can be together in less exhausting ways.
my psychiatrist suggests that with the depression under 'control', the anxiety is given room to play that it never had before. but i'd really like my calm back. everything makes me nauseous, makes me jittery, digging fingernails into palms, like i had too much caffeine or nicotine, when i haven't had either.
are relationships always informed by the manner in which they began? is there something that becomes static, immutable, about the first way you learn to interact with each other? Not love at first sight, more like power dynamics at first sight (first kiss/first sex/first fight)?
he asked if i thought this was rushed, if he had rushed me. and it's the first time where anyone could seriously pose that question to me. 'cause really, the idea of any one else, past or present, rushing me into major life changes is somewhat laughable. circumstances might rush, neuroses might rush, but never people.
the anxiety grows near unbearable, a panic attack every few seconds, and i'm constantly assume everyone thinks/feels the worst of me; a cryptic post history made about something that i'm sure isn't about me but i still wonder, or that kumquat's going to be pissed at me for getting her something, or that light's secretly mad at me for chickening out on getting two new kittens instead of one, spark's not online because she's blocked me, every whisper at work is about me, every unresponded IM is a deliberate slight. it's like narcissism, but more exhausting.
and i know i'm crazy, i'm not that important, and (this sentence took forever to type, as i struggled to convince myself of its truth) my friends love me. this is about moving, about leaving someplace that was mine to go someplace that is someone else's. this is plumbing the depths of a murkymurky pool, that i never bothered to investigate before. committing my safety into someone else's hands. not in any sort of backalley fight kind of way, but in moving into a lifestyle i couldn't pull off even temporarily by just myself. in the past, if roommates bailed, i had enough money to float the apartment while i found a replacement. now, if he bails, i'm the one that has to go find a place, has to find more safety. and while hopefully history's couch will always remain a sort of haven for me, no matter where it might be located, i'm coming dangerously close to not being my own safe haven. no man an island, and all that.
i'm not sure rushed is applicable though, because i remain in the "can't not" kind of love. and while i'm sure i'd survive if he left me, or started abusing my cats and i had to kill him and bury him the back yard, i'd survive, i can't imagine not being with him. i can't imagine not wanting to be with him. i don't want to be able to imagine either scenario. Fights aren't about whether or not we should be together, just about how we can be together in less exhausting ways.
my psychiatrist suggests that with the depression under 'control', the anxiety is given room to play that it never had before. but i'd really like my calm back. everything makes me nauseous, makes me jittery, digging fingernails into palms, like i had too much caffeine or nicotine, when i haven't had either.
are relationships always informed by the manner in which they began? is there something that becomes static, immutable, about the first way you learn to interact with each other? Not love at first sight, more like power dynamics at first sight (first kiss/first sex/first fight)?
