![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturweight of the world, and all that shit. t minus something that isn't zero, but once would have been, and soon won't even be a minus.
i feel inchoate today, like i'm about to float off somewhere.
i don't know how to talk to people anymore. and it feels like it's getting worse, like everything i say is run through some double-translator, so it bears only the most token resemblance to what i'm trying to say. i'm doubting all my connections to people, and i don't think it's any fault of anyone's, but i'm insecure and crazy and i can't really tell why people like me, or why they're talking to me and i can't remember that when they don't talk to me, it's not always because they don't like me.
i'm cranky and disconnected from something, some part of me, and maybe my meds are going offkilter, or the regularity with which i throw up these days means i'm not always keeping them internal. maybe i needed junkyard's presence even more than i thought i did, and i need to re-evaluate that as a poor choice of risk, since everything these days seems to be screaming about one more risk to take, and i'm not sure i've got big enough balls for all of this to happen at once.
maybe i'm just a fool.
maybe i'm disoriented by all of my books being in boxes, and maybe i'm upset that i don't feel sought out. maybe i'm sad that i didn't get good kitten browsing in this weekend. i'm hoping that if game actually starts and history and spark and boisterous play nicely, and if i can lure history with free laundry and a comfy couch, if i can throw myself into painting this new house, i can feel more connected to the world, to myself, to other people. things take on that weird sense of timelessness, which has always been a warning sign, i feel like i've always been packing, i'll always be packing, i'll always be chasing everyone and not even chasing them convincingly or successfully.
i met a new girl in the basement of faces, and i brought her pomegranate juice as a bribe or an offering, and i want to take pictures of her tattoos and send them to oxygen, who i've been missing fiercely, because no matter what went weird, i've never duplicated that feeling of complete acceptance.
this isn't woe-is-me, if i'm in a hole, i'm most certainly digging it. when i do manage to live in the moment, i adore it. swimming pre-thunderstorm at social's friend's house, giggling at AvP with history and light, cooing over paintsamples with Vintage. it's just...i feel some sort of emotionally dehydrated, stiffjointed, barely enough moisture to cry, and i'm forgetting something and all i can do is hope that it's an omission from which i'll be able to recover.
i want a new lj icon. someone suggest something?
i feel inchoate today, like i'm about to float off somewhere.
i don't know how to talk to people anymore. and it feels like it's getting worse, like everything i say is run through some double-translator, so it bears only the most token resemblance to what i'm trying to say. i'm doubting all my connections to people, and i don't think it's any fault of anyone's, but i'm insecure and crazy and i can't really tell why people like me, or why they're talking to me and i can't remember that when they don't talk to me, it's not always because they don't like me.
i'm cranky and disconnected from something, some part of me, and maybe my meds are going offkilter, or the regularity with which i throw up these days means i'm not always keeping them internal. maybe i needed junkyard's presence even more than i thought i did, and i need to re-evaluate that as a poor choice of risk, since everything these days seems to be screaming about one more risk to take, and i'm not sure i've got big enough balls for all of this to happen at once.
maybe i'm just a fool.
maybe i'm disoriented by all of my books being in boxes, and maybe i'm upset that i don't feel sought out. maybe i'm sad that i didn't get good kitten browsing in this weekend. i'm hoping that if game actually starts and history and spark and boisterous play nicely, and if i can lure history with free laundry and a comfy couch, if i can throw myself into painting this new house, i can feel more connected to the world, to myself, to other people. things take on that weird sense of timelessness, which has always been a warning sign, i feel like i've always been packing, i'll always be packing, i'll always be chasing everyone and not even chasing them convincingly or successfully.
i met a new girl in the basement of faces, and i brought her pomegranate juice as a bribe or an offering, and i want to take pictures of her tattoos and send them to oxygen, who i've been missing fiercely, because no matter what went weird, i've never duplicated that feeling of complete acceptance.
this isn't woe-is-me, if i'm in a hole, i'm most certainly digging it. when i do manage to live in the moment, i adore it. swimming pre-thunderstorm at social's friend's house, giggling at AvP with history and light, cooing over paintsamples with Vintage. it's just...i feel some sort of emotionally dehydrated, stiffjointed, barely enough moisture to cry, and i'm forgetting something and all i can do is hope that it's an omission from which i'll be able to recover.
i want a new lj icon. someone suggest something?
