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omnia_mutanturWhy is it so hard to write some days? I've been shit at even keeping my own journal, unwilling to look at anything with too much focus, instead playing picross and petting cats and crying. So much crying.
Today was therapy, which involved crying about Tank, and how my regularly scheduled Wednesdays with him are over, and exactly how unfriendly his mom is (I thought this was going to be my last week with him, but at the end of my visit last week she informed me that that they had other plans this week). And I wondered how Tank's mom (my sister-in-law) had turned into my parents in my head and all I want to know is what I did wrong and how I can change so that they/she'll like me and stop cutting my access off to something I want.
I don't know how people do this. I can draw a line in the sand, tell her that I don't appreciate this, but then I'm even less likely to get access to my nephew. I can just give up, stop seeing my nephew and I will pine so very, very much, but eventually there will be an end to the pining. I can chase my little brother, nag him into the occasional weekend date with him and my nephew (and maybe my niece and maybe sister-in-law). Now, it's not that I think it's somehow my sister-in-law's fault, and not my baby brother's. It's his too, all of his excuses about her being an ass involve explanations about motherhood.
I'm off to a tropical island at the end of this week, and hopefully some quality time stalking sea turtles will even me out a little bit, and then I'll be able to start thinking about what I'm feeling again, and quit my job, and take up hobbies and get a dog. So, you know. Things.
Today was therapy, which involved crying about Tank, and how my regularly scheduled Wednesdays with him are over, and exactly how unfriendly his mom is (I thought this was going to be my last week with him, but at the end of my visit last week she informed me that that they had other plans this week). And I wondered how Tank's mom (my sister-in-law) had turned into my parents in my head and all I want to know is what I did wrong and how I can change so that they/she'll like me and stop cutting my access off to something I want.
I don't know how people do this. I can draw a line in the sand, tell her that I don't appreciate this, but then I'm even less likely to get access to my nephew. I can just give up, stop seeing my nephew and I will pine so very, very much, but eventually there will be an end to the pining. I can chase my little brother, nag him into the occasional weekend date with him and my nephew (and maybe my niece and maybe sister-in-law). Now, it's not that I think it's somehow my sister-in-law's fault, and not my baby brother's. It's his too, all of his excuses about her being an ass involve explanations about motherhood.
I'm off to a tropical island at the end of this week, and hopefully some quality time stalking sea turtles will even me out a little bit, and then I'll be able to start thinking about what I'm feeling again, and quit my job, and take up hobbies and get a dog. So, you know. Things.
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Date: 2017-03-29 02:31 am (UTC)The way kids bond with people in their early life, and need those emotional bonds just to survive and thrive --I think that often happens to adults with kids too. He's just a little guy, right?, So you've seen him at his best and his worst, been through a lot together. You're close. Having that curtailed without your control must be so hard. It's no wonder you're so upset by it. I totally feel you.
But I do hope you're playing it cool with the kid --not being overly defensive about the circumstances, or being blame-y at all. That'll just make it worse on him. You're the adult. It's ok to say you're sad too, but don't cast aspersions or guilt--that's just bad, and will introduce a lot of the same feelings you're having in him. And you probably totally know that stuff. But it is hard, when you're hurting to police yourself sometimes, so just a reminder.
But get away for a bit. Stalk sea turtles. Be there. Sounds amazing.