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omnia_mutanturup we go, down we go. it's like my very own rollercoaster, except with selfloathing for a seatbelt.
do i talk too much about Light in here? do i post what i ought keep private? do we have enough lj overlap that i might make errors in what i share? do i miss junkyard too much, do i pin too much on lyric, do i tell too much to sanguine, do i read too much into history's terse communications, should i try and temper my interactions with spark, am i as dull as i find myself?
this isn't a plea for reassurance, or at least i don't think it is. i'm just jumbled at the moment, whatever bravado i use to coast through my interactions flees and fails and i wonder exactly what is i'm supposed to be doing. and maybe it's that light and i have talked too too much about whether or not i'll be able to be okay with the crowds at falconridge, or maybe it's the calm that cherished brings with her, or maybe it's that i've only had one can of diet coke today.
i can't settle down to write, with the exception of seeming to talk about my inability to think anything through its conclusion and i want a curiocabinet, so my faux altar isn't on top of my asstastic bureau and i want my little brother to stay and i don't want to be waiting anymore for the house thing, because it's beginning to feel like i'm using it as an excuse, and i'm hoping some magical day i'll come back to the peace i had with my job.
i'm outofproportion sad when i shed the grey/white hairs.
i talked to my mother for twentyone minutes yesterday, and she wants to 'get to know' light.
i should be learning something. not emotional, not social, not "adult". a skill, something practical or impractical, HTML or bellydancing, something from someone who knows more than i do.
i should claim my desires, say yes, i want to work for a nonprofit or an academic institution, and try to figure out how to get there.
shoulds and coulds and mighthavebeens. each successive child of my parents goes further than the last faster. and it's probably the incipient signing of the purchaseandsale that makes me question again why am i staying? is for someone, for myself, or to acclimate myself to a new lifestyle before we hare off into the wilderness? am i lazy, or is my fondness for the pioneer valley become tangible, and i want good sushi and good starlight in the same half-hour drive, art movies and to pick my own strawberries?
do i talk too much about Light in here? do i post what i ought keep private? do we have enough lj overlap that i might make errors in what i share? do i miss junkyard too much, do i pin too much on lyric, do i tell too much to sanguine, do i read too much into history's terse communications, should i try and temper my interactions with spark, am i as dull as i find myself?
this isn't a plea for reassurance, or at least i don't think it is. i'm just jumbled at the moment, whatever bravado i use to coast through my interactions flees and fails and i wonder exactly what is i'm supposed to be doing. and maybe it's that light and i have talked too too much about whether or not i'll be able to be okay with the crowds at falconridge, or maybe it's the calm that cherished brings with her, or maybe it's that i've only had one can of diet coke today.
i can't settle down to write, with the exception of seeming to talk about my inability to think anything through its conclusion and i want a curiocabinet, so my faux altar isn't on top of my asstastic bureau and i want my little brother to stay and i don't want to be waiting anymore for the house thing, because it's beginning to feel like i'm using it as an excuse, and i'm hoping some magical day i'll come back to the peace i had with my job.
i'm outofproportion sad when i shed the grey/white hairs.
i talked to my mother for twentyone minutes yesterday, and she wants to 'get to know' light.
i should be learning something. not emotional, not social, not "adult". a skill, something practical or impractical, HTML or bellydancing, something from someone who knows more than i do.
i should claim my desires, say yes, i want to work for a nonprofit or an academic institution, and try to figure out how to get there.
shoulds and coulds and mighthavebeens. each successive child of my parents goes further than the last faster. and it's probably the incipient signing of the purchaseandsale that makes me question again why am i staying? is for someone, for myself, or to acclimate myself to a new lifestyle before we hare off into the wilderness? am i lazy, or is my fondness for the pioneer valley become tangible, and i want good sushi and good starlight in the same half-hour drive, art movies and to pick my own strawberries?
