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Feb. 27th, 2016 08:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturAbundance calls this time my morning kingdom, when both the boys are asleep and I'm alone in the living room, drinking my tea and watching television of dubious quality, snuggling cats and cross-stitching. And I wonder what it is that I'm getting now, when everyone else in the house is asleep, that I can't get while they're awake.
I want to cultivate so many habits, and I can't seem to find the energy to figure out how to begin any of them. I want to stretch and meditate almost-daily, I want to wake up each day to a kitchen with all the dishes done. I want to drink a bottle of water, walk a couple miles a day. I want to read fiction and non fiction in equal amounts, I want to cook, I want to eat less takeout, I want to lose weight, get stronger, I want to find a way to swim that lets me still have blue hair. I want to spend more time doing things with my hands. I want to watch youtube tutorials about wearing makeup and practice, not necessarily so I will, but so I can if I want to. I want to post to social media, I want to stay in touch with the people I adore, I want to keep up my Khan academy streak, I want to learn more about coding, I want to...but I keep ending up playing my match three games.
I'm looking at my cookbook collection (I waver between wanting to rid myself of all my possessions, and wanting to collect one or two specific things (vegetarian cookbooks, bookmarks) and then want to weed them if they're not useful, and then wanting to collect again) and at one point in the past, I crossed out all the soy-containing recipes, unable to imagine a world in which I'd be comfortable eating it again (phytoestrogens, etc). And now I'm here, and I'm eating it again, and there's something sad and wry about it and I want to feel liberated and comfortable in my life choices and I guess I am, but my yearly DFCI visit comes next Friday and I always feel like such a fraud in the waiting room, traumatized by the choices I made, the steps I took to avoid, when I'm surrounded by people who had no choice.
I seem to be going more off the rails in the evenings, and then waking the next morning, still depressed, still in pain, but with a better sense of humor about it. Sure, I'm scared, I'm scared of what I'm feeling, I'm scared of what I said to Abundance last night (talking about my feelings while on ambien is almost never the right move), I'm scared of what happens next, I'm scared of nothing changing. But in the morning, I can also grin at having shown the boys the infectious children's song "Apples and Bananas", I can be deeply entertained by how Skitterypoof (the youngest tortie) drools when she's being snuggled, I can look for youtube videos of puppies learning to swim.
I want to cultivate so many habits, and I can't seem to find the energy to figure out how to begin any of them. I want to stretch and meditate almost-daily, I want to wake up each day to a kitchen with all the dishes done. I want to drink a bottle of water, walk a couple miles a day. I want to read fiction and non fiction in equal amounts, I want to cook, I want to eat less takeout, I want to lose weight, get stronger, I want to find a way to swim that lets me still have blue hair. I want to spend more time doing things with my hands. I want to watch youtube tutorials about wearing makeup and practice, not necessarily so I will, but so I can if I want to. I want to post to social media, I want to stay in touch with the people I adore, I want to keep up my Khan academy streak, I want to learn more about coding, I want to...but I keep ending up playing my match three games.
I'm looking at my cookbook collection (I waver between wanting to rid myself of all my possessions, and wanting to collect one or two specific things (vegetarian cookbooks, bookmarks) and then want to weed them if they're not useful, and then wanting to collect again) and at one point in the past, I crossed out all the soy-containing recipes, unable to imagine a world in which I'd be comfortable eating it again (phytoestrogens, etc). And now I'm here, and I'm eating it again, and there's something sad and wry about it and I want to feel liberated and comfortable in my life choices and I guess I am, but my yearly DFCI visit comes next Friday and I always feel like such a fraud in the waiting room, traumatized by the choices I made, the steps I took to avoid, when I'm surrounded by people who had no choice.
I seem to be going more off the rails in the evenings, and then waking the next morning, still depressed, still in pain, but with a better sense of humor about it. Sure, I'm scared, I'm scared of what I'm feeling, I'm scared of what I said to Abundance last night (talking about my feelings while on ambien is almost never the right move), I'm scared of what happens next, I'm scared of nothing changing. But in the morning, I can also grin at having shown the boys the infectious children's song "Apples and Bananas", I can be deeply entertained by how Skitterypoof (the youngest tortie) drools when she's being snuggled, I can look for youtube videos of puppies learning to swim.
