omnia_mutantur | "No neat story-line to explain"

I keep wanting to write here but I seem to waver in between two states.

One, pretty cheerful about everything.

Two, some combination of grumpy and restless and lost

One doesn't really feel like it makes for good stories, and two is too much about other people.

In the past I've been pretty good at crafting messaging that doesn't really give any offense, making anything that needed to change be all about me, all about how I can shape to fit the world in which I live. But I'm trying to take up space less apologetically, and some of that seems to have seeped into my words, and I can't figure out what to post here anymore.

Abundance has mostly moved in, which I lovelovelove, and I get creamed wheat made for me some mornings, and so much talking and sex and contact. But I've also gotten to the point where I feel out of place in my house, nothing is quite right, nothing is entirely under my control, I go from sleeping in Abundance's room, to Light's room, and very occasionally, to the couch. (when I'm too congested to sleep any way but sitting up). The banister's still broken, the front step is going to kill me some absentminded day, there's still more tea than there is cupboard space. (Okay, that's pretty awesome, but still it leaves me feeling unorganized)

And fuck it, my google play radio station has just played me the one band I have't listened to since 2009, letting it fall into the Asshat void, where burlesque and True Grounds used to live. And at least it wasn't Stuck Between Stations, ti was some other Hold Steady song, But still, really? That's possibly even a lower blow than being determined to play me the entirety of Jagged Little Pill.

In the days before livejournal, my freshman year of college, back in 1994, I used to write these little essays and email them to a handful of friends. I don't remember what they said, I don't remember how I got to assume people were interested, that I wasn't a bother, but I remember doing it, I remember it feeling good. I want that back, the sense of casting things into the world.

I went to a Kris Delmhorst concert a couple days ago, and she made mention of a particular album being ten years old, and I remember when I first heard it, and I played it on our CD player on our livingroom table over and over again, until Light was heartily sick of it. I was thirty then, I'm forty now. For some reason, I always feel like writing in little notebooks at passim shows, and this one was no different, but instead of something new, I just wrote about my position in space at the moment, my partners and my friends, my job and my nephews, my hobbies and my frustrations.

There are so many things I want to do, and I feel so scattered, and my lack of focus feels like it keeps me from doing any of them. and I keep making plans, which makes it my fault that I never have time to repaint the grout, or learn how to sew, or go thrifting someplace the T doesn't go, or walk down by the Mystic River, or try to start swimming again, or bake bread, or hang curtains, or work overtime or go to museums.

And there are habits I'm trying to start, like drinking a bottle of water every day, weighing myself on my fancy scale to attempt to desensitize myself to the numbers and only pay attention to the waxing and waning.

And I should remember that I'm not doing things mostly because I'm doing other things. This weekend I'm heading to Northampton w/ Light to rent a house for the weekend with Becoming and Curmudgeon. Next weekend, I'm heading to the Flea with Abundance. The weekend after, a belated birthday celebration with Hands and Hips. Then there's a home-for-the-moment weekend, and then Delight and I take off to NYC to see a Fairy Tale Fashion exhibit. I've got a Dar Williams, a Heather Nova, a Thao and the Get Down Stay Down and a Heather Maloney concert in my relatively immediate future. I'm taking an editing class courtesy of the Beast, a body-acceptance course courtesy of the internet, and a cousera course, courtesy of Abundance. I've got cocoa with Kumquat tonight, a wfh date with Delight on Friday. Monday next, Abundance and I are going to try something called the Social beings Project, Wednesday we're taking Intention to Baza, Thursday a movie date with Amazing and Delight and Abundance. I'm wearing frankly awesome leggings, one of my first intentional purchases in pursuit of a consistent aesthetic.

These are tangible, lovely things. I want to focus on these things, not the ones that wake me up at 4am, Not the dead dog, but the live cats. Not the absences but the presences.