Fucked up things my Latin professor has said

[omnia_mutantur]

I'm taking an undergraduate latin class through the extension school.    The professor is...let's say he's a character.  I've been taking notes of the bizarre things he's been saying. 

"latin has never been a dead language"
"Finland is the only place where they broadcast the news in perfect latin."
"though this textbook doesn't credit me, many of the ideas in it are mine."
"we learn latin for the pleasure of living, for fun."
"Everything we know, we've memorized."
"what are we going to learn?  answer: everything"
"I want to know everything and I make no apology."
"Babe Ruth was very passionate about things just like I am"
"no one will die if they are still in the bathroom"  (on starting after a class break)

"strange but true, you'll get no bullshit"

"Latin is easy to start, but almost no one gets good at it"
"repetition is the mother of studies"
"you and repetition make are the greatest study team possible"
"no english professor at Harvard knows english like I had to learn it in the 8th grade"
"there are people on this planet who think I know everything"
"people get inspired to study medicine from this class"
"sing is the object.  Brad does Angelina.  I do sing."
"it's okay if you quit, there are a lot of people who won't be here, you'll just be one more"
"we're just killing time for 2 hours"

"if you can read this and I can't, you have the power"

"492  of 500 recommendation letters I write are successful"
"I'm here to teach you to live lives of meaning and purpose"
"I'm either the most famous not famous person or the least famous famous person"
"just be real"
"it's not a secret code, it's a language"
"I'm never wrong on intuitive grounds"

"We have a painting of a 14 year old Jane Austen and you can see the humor on her face."

"no one has ever noticed these errors before me"

"Baseball is a metaphor for life."
"I went to grad school for classics, lasted two weeks because I knew more about the letters of Cicero than the professor, so I went into linguistics"

"you really should own the american hertitage dictionary.  I've corrected it."

"this is not a linguistics class but I will always try to answer your question.

"I am a clear, simple no-nonsense teacher.  Know this and you'll go to heaven"

"Relax, just do what I ask you to do, it doesn't even get boring"

"I'm going to spend 40 hours a week preparing for this class and if you don't believe me, you don't know me"

"let me show you how stupid this is.  if you don't know latin, write a textbook."

"listen to my wife, she says just sit there and he'll teach you everything"

"I watch all the ads to critique them"

"If you want to make a million dollars, sit down with me for ten minutes"

"If everyone learned Latin, there would be no poison gas in the world"

"shit and science are etymologically related"

"only people who are perverse or troubled fail"

"latin always makes perfect sense

"It takes you a while to realize I'm not bullshitting you"

"I've kept a lot of people from committing suicide.  I have people who call me twice a week"

"I depend on your sense of personal honor

"I've taught many people frmo Asia"

"Latin is a liberating subject, it's a human right"

"I write articles that explain problems that have existed for 2000 years"

"I did the entire NYT sunday crossword in seven, no twelve minutes.  It's hard to write fast enough to do that"
"would I die for any one of you?  Yes, because I am older than you, I am closer to death"

"class participation is for idiots.  You can be shy and still get an a"

"This is one of the better sentences in the book, by which I mean it's accurate"

"if you read the book, you'll be corrupted"

"if you ask me for bread, will I give you a stone?"

"No one ever really misses anything"

"I have infinite mercy"

"I take care of you because I'm a good pseudomother"

"I can read minds because I love them.  Love leads to understanding"

"IF you do these exercises, you will know latin, because your brain loves your fingers and your fingers love your brain

"that's what makes a good teacher, forcing things."

"genitive - from whose genitalia you came"

"I'm on quiz shows for a reason"

"Welcome to the fellowship of learned men and women"

"there's a lot of useless categorization in knowledge and gender is one

"are you allowed to be sleepy and tired?  Yes, because we do too damn much in this world"

"This is the easiest class, if you can stay awake for at least 10% of the time."

"you wonder if all latin classes could be this straightforward, but they won't because they don't spend as much time on it as I do"

"If you understand everything I say the 20th time, you'll know everything"

"Am I a pervert?  if I give you a definition it means all of the meanings"

"I don't have time to be tolerant.  I'm emotionally tolerant but we don't have time to be intellectually tolerant"

"so many latin teachers teach latin.  What the hell is that?  get up and teach everything."

"grammar puts you in charge of the universe"

"in the old days, a few thugs knew latin.  Now every educated person does"

"life is for giving yourself up for the right thing."

"I never worry about what I'm supposed to do, I just do the right thing"

"I'm going to pronounce this the right way, but you'll never hear anyone else pronounce latin the right way.

"lets get real, children are raped every day.  guess how many children die of starvation?

on someone returning from the bathroom "don't worry, I haven't said anything important I was waiting for you."

"I was kidding.  I'm always kidding.  Or I'm never kidding."

"I hope you are starting to realize why I turn out champions.  Just listen to me and you'll know more than everyone else."

"if god didn't love gay people, why did he make so many of them?

"old latin teachers never die, they just decline.  sexy ones conjugate."

"I get emails every day from people telling me how they still use things they learned here."

"moron, idiot, stupid, your brain hates you for that"

"watch out for verbs, they're tense and moody"

"I'm desperate to communicate I was made to say many words."

"like a moron, he gives the future first"

"no all over the place crap like the rest of your life"

"Romans lower the water 1 degree per 100 miles and if they got it wrong, they got executed"

"I don't believe in capital punishment but if I did it would be for people who did latin sloppily."

"what do you see in front of you?  Me.  What am I?  your brain's best friend."

"Your brain and I love each other, we just have to get you on board."

"I can tell identical twins apart because of how they behave."

"well you big baby, I hand it to you on a silver platter."

"you've taught us how to do football just by teaching us latin."

"only idiots go to the next thing."

"you're going to have to know latin so you can read hittite"

"I've made up to 150 allusions in a 50 minute class.

"I'm an expert on the latin sexual vocabulary"

"I am an ordained exorcist.

Comments

[keplers_angels]

This is excellent.