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omnia_mutanturFor a long time (and still some days) I wanted people to look at my life and think to themselves "that girl has an interesting life". Now I want to be the one to look at my life and say I have an interesting life.
I've often drawn a line between wanting to be someone who does a thing, and actually wanting to do the thing. I'm trying to weed out the former, but experience also teaches me that sometimes the things I bully myself into doing are awesome. And I do inhabit a stereotype, and there are parts of that stereotype that fit really well. Of course I buy all my jewelry off of etsy. Of course I'm in a CSA. Of course I have three cats and a dog.
I've been cleaning a lot lately, and I have some theories as to why. On a cheerful note, I'm coming into a new era of awesome and I want my space to reflect that. Or it's just plain spring. On a note with a little less bravado, I've been recently removed from one of my safe spaces, and am not only home more often, but want/need to be almost aggressively present in my space.
So I stockpile tea, hang art, buy new plates, spend an hour removing hair from the cat tree, scrub windowsills and baseboards. Eventually either the feeling or the situation will change, and I can stop making both the dog and the husband anxious with my restless wanderings.
For me, at least, my depressions are often about losing perspective, and thinking either a thing will always be a certain way, or that it always has been a certain way. Which is almost never true. Sure, I'll always have stuntboobs, but my feelings about them will change. If I'm lonely on a particular day, or if work truly sucks, it's probably time to just sink into the feeling a bit and then move on.
I've had a handful of awesome weekends and this was no exception. Friday night was a Melissa Ferrick concert, Saturday morning was breakfast with a woman I shall call Catherder for the moment, and then out to JP to visit Eye Q to pick out new frames. (a normally nervewracking process, and I don't want to go back to the Harvard Square one, because as much as I love my current glasses, it's too strongly associated with Asshat). It turns out the people at both EyeQ and When Pigs Fly in JP are ludicrously nice. And then the lovely DoctorB joined us for first a movie (Cabin in the Woods rocks) and then grocery shopping. Sunday was cleaning, treadmill, cooking, and then, wonder of wonders, actually showing up at a thing I'd been invited to. And having a good time. If possible, I'd like to hold onto this blissful indifference. So I had some lovely conversations, some really good warm pretzels and told a stranger that I thought she was neat.
And then...spontaneous things happened! There was ice cream, and story-telling and some of the most disturbing mental images I've had in a while. (Toe fairy?) and it turns out Delight's husband is as (wait for it) delightful as Delight herself. And it pleases me on some fundamental level that her regular order at JPLicks is the same as mine.
And today was good and quiet and full of small furry animals and a really good book. And tea. Lots of tea. And sex. Really, really good sex which was good but not quiet.
I've often drawn a line between wanting to be someone who does a thing, and actually wanting to do the thing. I'm trying to weed out the former, but experience also teaches me that sometimes the things I bully myself into doing are awesome. And I do inhabit a stereotype, and there are parts of that stereotype that fit really well. Of course I buy all my jewelry off of etsy. Of course I'm in a CSA. Of course I have three cats and a dog.
I've been cleaning a lot lately, and I have some theories as to why. On a cheerful note, I'm coming into a new era of awesome and I want my space to reflect that. Or it's just plain spring. On a note with a little less bravado, I've been recently removed from one of my safe spaces, and am not only home more often, but want/need to be almost aggressively present in my space.
So I stockpile tea, hang art, buy new plates, spend an hour removing hair from the cat tree, scrub windowsills and baseboards. Eventually either the feeling or the situation will change, and I can stop making both the dog and the husband anxious with my restless wanderings.
For me, at least, my depressions are often about losing perspective, and thinking either a thing will always be a certain way, or that it always has been a certain way. Which is almost never true. Sure, I'll always have stuntboobs, but my feelings about them will change. If I'm lonely on a particular day, or if work truly sucks, it's probably time to just sink into the feeling a bit and then move on.
I've had a handful of awesome weekends and this was no exception. Friday night was a Melissa Ferrick concert, Saturday morning was breakfast with a woman I shall call Catherder for the moment, and then out to JP to visit Eye Q to pick out new frames. (a normally nervewracking process, and I don't want to go back to the Harvard Square one, because as much as I love my current glasses, it's too strongly associated with Asshat). It turns out the people at both EyeQ and When Pigs Fly in JP are ludicrously nice. And then the lovely DoctorB joined us for first a movie (Cabin in the Woods rocks) and then grocery shopping. Sunday was cleaning, treadmill, cooking, and then, wonder of wonders, actually showing up at a thing I'd been invited to. And having a good time. If possible, I'd like to hold onto this blissful indifference. So I had some lovely conversations, some really good warm pretzels and told a stranger that I thought she was neat.
And then...spontaneous things happened! There was ice cream, and story-telling and some of the most disturbing mental images I've had in a while. (Toe fairy?) and it turns out Delight's husband is as (wait for it) delightful as Delight herself. And it pleases me on some fundamental level that her regular order at JPLicks is the same as mine.
And today was good and quiet and full of small furry animals and a really good book. And tea. Lots of tea. And sex. Really, really good sex which was good but not quiet.
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no subject
Date: 2012-04-16 11:56 pm (UTC)Also, this post makes me think of two things. One, a book I'm reading gives this command, in urgent imperative:
Become irresistably attractive to yourself.
(i really like this).
Two: stunt- /anything/ is objectively better than whatever it's modifying. For example: stunt drivers are vastly cooler than regular drivers. And so on.
Tru fax.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-17 08:29 pm (UTC)I'm just now catching up on the interwebz, by the way, my computer was kaput for a week. I'm starting to think on what I want to make for the handmade portion of our swap. More questions will definitely wing their way to you soon.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-19 06:38 pm (UTC)