"count the years, you always knew it"
Oct. 20th, 2005 09:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturweirdly foul mood yesterday, carrying into today. seemed to start off normal enough, work was dull, came home, mucked about on the internet, read a little more, finished a book i didn't particularly like. blatantly begged for comments on LJ, got a couple. the particular list was weird, because i have a sneaking suspicion i've read a number of the books i didn't highlight, but they're from some of the lost years. (my highschool memory has faded in an entirely different but probably equally merciful way than my college memory) made another squash soup, not particularly yummy but it went well with the end of the oatmeal-molasses bread from Stables. watched the first half of a depressing episode of girlmore girls, went downtown and failed spectacularly to find Media's bday present. I redeemed myself a little when we got home, im-ing him some links and now he's getting the "It's On Now" shirt from Wigu. Tonight (probably) I'll buy him a video game, and maybe if inspiration strikes, a book. (i'm afraid i've nowhere to go but down, having already given him Neverwhere, Lamb, American Gods and Gun with Occasional Music. He's reading Cryptonomicon now).
Light's got game for the first time in a couple weeks, and i've been spoiled, both by his presence and by my upsurge of plan-making, which has now petered out and returned to its normal pathological-fear-of-rejection levels. i'm hoping to keep myself entertained by taking myself to go see Domino or Waiting (only because there are no scary movies out right now. or at least not scary in the sense i'm looking for. I'm plenty scared of the cameron diaz movie with shoes in the title, or the Bloom vehicle that apparently involves cellphones and airports and urns and True Love). then maybe I'll look for some cheap work-clothes, or hang out in barnes and noble and read the new Tamora Pierce i can't be bothered to buy. i'm wary of shopping, even twenty minutes spent looking for jeans meant a couple days of barely being able to look at myself in the mirror to make sure my hair wasn't sticking up funny, and Light's open leering very much helps, but this particularly enemy's pretty firmly entrenched. i wonder if i can desensitize myself enough by little failed shopping trips over the couple intervening weeks that going out dress-shopping with my mother for Light's sister's wedding won't cripple me.
I'm tired of this fluctuating feeling of fragility, on again, off again. i'd like to think of myself as sturdier than this. And I'm guessing it's just my fall mood come round again, and while i think i'm past the point where I have to have conversations with Ghost, if my calculations are correct, it's a full decade since his death and living in a base-ten society gives that its own special weight.
there's so much good in my life and so much more good to come that it pisses me off that i find myself feeling so unsure and wrongfooted so often.
--
Light's got game for the first time in a couple weeks, and i've been spoiled, both by his presence and by my upsurge of plan-making, which has now petered out and returned to its normal pathological-fear-of-rejection levels. i'm hoping to keep myself entertained by taking myself to go see Domino or Waiting (only because there are no scary movies out right now. or at least not scary in the sense i'm looking for. I'm plenty scared of the cameron diaz movie with shoes in the title, or the Bloom vehicle that apparently involves cellphones and airports and urns and True Love). then maybe I'll look for some cheap work-clothes, or hang out in barnes and noble and read the new Tamora Pierce i can't be bothered to buy. i'm wary of shopping, even twenty minutes spent looking for jeans meant a couple days of barely being able to look at myself in the mirror to make sure my hair wasn't sticking up funny, and Light's open leering very much helps, but this particularly enemy's pretty firmly entrenched. i wonder if i can desensitize myself enough by little failed shopping trips over the couple intervening weeks that going out dress-shopping with my mother for Light's sister's wedding won't cripple me.
I'm tired of this fluctuating feeling of fragility, on again, off again. i'd like to think of myself as sturdier than this. And I'm guessing it's just my fall mood come round again, and while i think i'm past the point where I have to have conversations with Ghost, if my calculations are correct, it's a full decade since his death and living in a base-ten society gives that its own special weight.
there's so much good in my life and so much more good to come that it pisses me off that i find myself feeling so unsure and wrongfooted so often.
--
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no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 02:35 pm (UTC)i've heard her new ones are not as great, however.
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Date: 2005-10-20 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 02:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 03:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 08:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-20 04:56 pm (UTC)Feel better soon Sweetie.
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Date: 2005-10-20 08:07 pm (UTC)thank you
*hugs back*
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Date: 2005-10-21 01:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-10-21 10:09 am (UTC)