"just like every time the tide rolls out "

[omnia_mutantur]

so, i set a potholder on fire last night. somehow dropped it into the oven, where it went up in a merry blaze until i torn my attention away from the toasted cumin seeds to notice acrid smoke pouring out of the oven, so i opened the oven to peer in and saw fire. and it nearly paralyzed me, it was all i could do to close the oven, scream for Light and hand him the fire extinguisher. (currently, i have no idea why i didn't extinguish it myself.) so i swept everything that was a dinner ingredient in the fridge, hoping it wouldn't absorb to much smoke/fire extinguisher aroma, Light opened all the windows and we ordered pizza while i tried to keep from feeling like i was about to shake apart.

so today, i feel halfhungover from stale adrenalin and the remnants of fire-dreams, still feeling like an absolute idiot (i can beat myself up for weeks about this kind of shit.) and work's chaotic, and i imagine i'll collapse when i get home from pilates tonight. and i just spent $350 on my car's brakes (a car i probably don't even realistically need), and i'm almost at the point where i can't put off buying new clothes, not because of weight fluctuations, just because i'm still wearing some of the same clothing i wore as a senior in highschool, eleven years ago, and while long skirts and baggy tops are timeless, cheap fabric isn't all that durable.

i got the last part of my birthday present earlier this week, two gift packs of penzey spices, one a baking assortment, one a curry assortment, and i can't wait to have the time and energy to linger over my cookbooks, trying to figure out what i want to make. i might experiment on my guests next thursday, but i always feel like a bad host feeding people something i haven't already made for myself and enjoyed on a separate occasion.

i think i spend a lot of time looking forward to the next planned thing, and i'm unsure why. the current frontrunner of the available theories is that i'm changing somehow and the like a medication with a side effect that requires another medication, what i'm feeling now is the outshoot of growing into myself. and i hesitate to be That Girl, for fear of sounding like i'm trying to garner either reassurances or invitations, when i really don't want the former, and i want the latter to be prompted by something other than my self-proclaimed pathos (which brings to my mind an image of me shambling through a village, ringing my bells and shouting "awkward" as though it was a new form of leprosy), but this new blossoming of paranoia has got to end, or at least i have got to find a way to make it more compact, less intrusive and less paralytic.

i've spent so much time assuming i'm not good enough, assuming every person who has ever left me or my life has done so because i wasn't good enough, assuming that i'm a joke and what little luck i have is why people wait until i've left to mock me. and i think that it's almost impossible to convince the river to run in any other direction, because that particular path is cut too deep. but this time, dammit, i'm going to learn to force it, like outofseason bulbs or unwieldy jar lids, and it's going to work.

Comments

[semiprecious.livejournal.com]

i've spent so much time assuming i'm not good enough, assuming every person who has ever left me or my life has done so because i wasn't good enough, assuming that i'm a joke and what little luck i have is why people wait until i've left to mock me. and i think that it's almost impossible to convince the river to run in any other direction, because that particular path is cut too deep.

People don't leave you because you're not good enough. People leave because ultimately they are selfish and need to blaze their own trails. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing... you know?

It's taken me a long time to realize that no matter how much I overcome, heal myself, or improve my life, people are still going to march to that drumbeat inside their own heads, they're going to pursue their lives the way they feel they must, and inevitably, that means some of them might carry themselves far from me.

But ultimately, I'd rather they do this than stick around because they don't know what else to do with themselves. I'd rather they move along than stagnate, if that's what being in my life means. Because I'm going to keep moving, no matter what.

It's complicated.

[bryiarrose.livejournal.com]

you say things so well.
and i count myself lucky that i get to be here listening when you do.