"think i'm gonna make them mine"
Jan. 24th, 2005 02:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturgood, good days.
i think i've been deliberately trying to limit my recent posts to things
about books, or vague news of other people's drama, the more vague the
better. i've been angry about how i've been treated, i've felt betrayed,
and i've been worried to the point of tears and nausea, and now i've come to
remember that my feelings don't change how the world treats me, that all i
can do is find whatever peace i can with other people's behaviors, actual or
predicted, and move on. (As per usual, I'm not talking about you, unless,
of course, i am, and in the interest of not really actually being interested
in rehashing what i feel like i've already tried to say in a more personal
setting to the concerned parties, if you want to know, find another forum in
which to ask me.) and i know i make mention of it, because here is where i
puzzle these things out, but i hate the idea of being passive aggressive,
even in a forum designed to allow for almost nothing other than such
behavior.
i'm hunkering down again, hibernation mood setting in, and though i realize
it seems odd for someone as reclusive as me to say that i'm becoming more
reclusive, two weekends spent almost entirely with no one but Light have
made me all sappy and mushy and insanely smug about how in love with him i
am, and how well my life seems to be going. which always feels excessively
self-congratulatory, and i'm not okay with posting about happiness in the
same way i'm okay with posting about confusion or trauma.
i ate well this weekend, amazing indian food called Balchao Paneer (i think)
and i learned something new, which always makes me grin, friday night out at
social's invite, and i hope he and adult will be coming over for either a
trip to the snake exhibit at the berkshire museum, or a livingroom showing
of dodgeball. we made pancakes for breakfast and rice salad for lunch and
gardenburgers and potato fries for dinner on saturday, then muffins and
leftovers and a potato/rosemary/garlic soup for sunday, and i am heartily
pleased with myself on all fronts. (though i found out i need a better
waffle recipe). i bought fuzzy boots, started playing puzzle pirates
again, and cleaned a lot of the house.
i think i held back in the past, in friendships and romances, because i was
either unsure that my efforts or the sincerity of my efforts would be
returned, or dead certain that they either would not or could not be. and
so i let myself operate on a more surface level, dipping down into the
depths occasionally, but certainly never for long, and never expecting to be
followed. and yes, i was unmedicated for many of those years, out of
therapy, not because i was in any sense better, but because i'd ceased to
believe in better.
i still hold back in my friendships, afraid to pursue, afraid to take or
give offense where none is intended, afraid of going where i'm not wanted,
of expecting too much and having it look like a demand, of being talked
about in my absence, of being the joke i've suspected i am ever since that
first day of school. but i'm trying, sending tendrils out, and grinning
like an idiot when they're received warmly and trying to remember individual
rejections are just that, individual.
but tampa dying changed many things, including my willingness to compromise,
and for a while after he went into the ground, i think i took too hard a
line, but it was probably what needed to be done to keep getting out of bed
every morning. now, i'm relearning compromise, and in a more healthy way
this time, not just giving up what i want, but figuring out also to get what
i want. and i learn from my own mistakes in a way i don't think i've done
before, because i didn't allow myself to risk enough to make any of my
mistakes worth learning from, i never bet big enough to get any sort of
noticeable return.
and now, my damage looks useful, and my scars ornamental, and i think i'm
growing into this skin. and there's still a hefty helping of the bitch and
i like to have her around, i like the moments of savage under the skin, and
i like the fact that i know i've been tested, and i like the fact that i
believe i could take down just about anyone or anything. but i also like
that i've accumulated these quirks, big words and scary movies and trashy
fantasy and a mouth like a trucker or a professional, depending on what use
i'm putting it to. i like my dork taste in tv shows and our many cats and
that i'm learning to cook. i like the dancing helix in the corner, and the
gelgems in the window and i'm trying to squash all the restless little bones
in my body, because i'm pretty sure that my need/longing for chaos needs to
be channeled rather than indulged right now.
i think i've been deliberately trying to limit my recent posts to things
about books, or vague news of other people's drama, the more vague the
better. i've been angry about how i've been treated, i've felt betrayed,
and i've been worried to the point of tears and nausea, and now i've come to
remember that my feelings don't change how the world treats me, that all i
can do is find whatever peace i can with other people's behaviors, actual or
predicted, and move on. (As per usual, I'm not talking about you, unless,
of course, i am, and in the interest of not really actually being interested
in rehashing what i feel like i've already tried to say in a more personal
setting to the concerned parties, if you want to know, find another forum in
which to ask me.) and i know i make mention of it, because here is where i
puzzle these things out, but i hate the idea of being passive aggressive,
even in a forum designed to allow for almost nothing other than such
behavior.
i'm hunkering down again, hibernation mood setting in, and though i realize
it seems odd for someone as reclusive as me to say that i'm becoming more
reclusive, two weekends spent almost entirely with no one but Light have
made me all sappy and mushy and insanely smug about how in love with him i
am, and how well my life seems to be going. which always feels excessively
self-congratulatory, and i'm not okay with posting about happiness in the
same way i'm okay with posting about confusion or trauma.
i ate well this weekend, amazing indian food called Balchao Paneer (i think)
and i learned something new, which always makes me grin, friday night out at
social's invite, and i hope he and adult will be coming over for either a
trip to the snake exhibit at the berkshire museum, or a livingroom showing
of dodgeball. we made pancakes for breakfast and rice salad for lunch and
gardenburgers and potato fries for dinner on saturday, then muffins and
leftovers and a potato/rosemary/garlic soup for sunday, and i am heartily
pleased with myself on all fronts. (though i found out i need a better
waffle recipe). i bought fuzzy boots, started playing puzzle pirates
again, and cleaned a lot of the house.
i think i held back in the past, in friendships and romances, because i was
either unsure that my efforts or the sincerity of my efforts would be
returned, or dead certain that they either would not or could not be. and
so i let myself operate on a more surface level, dipping down into the
depths occasionally, but certainly never for long, and never expecting to be
followed. and yes, i was unmedicated for many of those years, out of
therapy, not because i was in any sense better, but because i'd ceased to
believe in better.
i still hold back in my friendships, afraid to pursue, afraid to take or
give offense where none is intended, afraid of going where i'm not wanted,
of expecting too much and having it look like a demand, of being talked
about in my absence, of being the joke i've suspected i am ever since that
first day of school. but i'm trying, sending tendrils out, and grinning
like an idiot when they're received warmly and trying to remember individual
rejections are just that, individual.
but tampa dying changed many things, including my willingness to compromise,
and for a while after he went into the ground, i think i took too hard a
line, but it was probably what needed to be done to keep getting out of bed
every morning. now, i'm relearning compromise, and in a more healthy way
this time, not just giving up what i want, but figuring out also to get what
i want. and i learn from my own mistakes in a way i don't think i've done
before, because i didn't allow myself to risk enough to make any of my
mistakes worth learning from, i never bet big enough to get any sort of
noticeable return.
and now, my damage looks useful, and my scars ornamental, and i think i'm
growing into this skin. and there's still a hefty helping of the bitch and
i like to have her around, i like the moments of savage under the skin, and
i like the fact that i know i've been tested, and i like the fact that i
believe i could take down just about anyone or anything. but i also like
that i've accumulated these quirks, big words and scary movies and trashy
fantasy and a mouth like a trucker or a professional, depending on what use
i'm putting it to. i like my dork taste in tv shows and our many cats and
that i'm learning to cook. i like the dancing helix in the corner, and the
gelgems in the window and i'm trying to squash all the restless little bones
in my body, because i'm pretty sure that my need/longing for chaos needs to
be channeled rather than indulged right now.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-01-25 12:35 am (UTC)thank you for sharing.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-26 08:24 pm (UTC)but it makes me want to take a step back and try and see where i am as well.