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omnia_mutanturtwelve points to anyone who can cite the text the title of this entry comes from.
i don't like drama. i've had enough of it in my life time, hell, i've created enough of it, pre, during and post college. i've found my niche, made my peace, bought matching furniture, which is the very essence of an antidote to drama.
and his drama isn't mine. i can't stop it, he doesn't want it to stop, and maybe it's not my place to judge. it won't change anything about how i feel about him, and i've seen it coming for what feels like forever. maybe it'll be a relief, to stop anticipating, stop worrying about potentials and start worrying about actualities. if he goes away, he'll either come back or he won't, and i can't change that, and this entry isn't a message to him, or to anyone, i'm just need to spill this and there's no one to listen right now, no one uninvolved enough that they won't interrupt me.
i'm lost, i've lost, but i can't stop trying to make him see, and i don't know why. even if it drives him away, which it inevitably will, not because of his feelings for me or my feelings for him, but because he knows, at least a little bit, that there's a kernel of truth to my feelings and nothing's worse than an itch that won't go away, so irritants have to go somewhere.
and no single person will ever listen to a coupled person, and i've got to learn that. but how do i teach myself to stand by and watch while he does something he said he wouldn't do again, because he thinks it's different this time, because it's always different this time, and it never is, and i am not going to make myself sick (or any sicker) over this than i already am.
this isn't about our friendship. i don't need reassurances on that, i have my beliefs and i have my hopes. this is about not wanting to slow down at the site of a car accident. this is about being reminded of exactly how powerless i am. this is about that funny sinking feeling you have when it feels like your insides are falling and are never going to hit bottom.
i don't like drama. i've had enough of it in my life time, hell, i've created enough of it, pre, during and post college. i've found my niche, made my peace, bought matching furniture, which is the very essence of an antidote to drama.
and his drama isn't mine. i can't stop it, he doesn't want it to stop, and maybe it's not my place to judge. it won't change anything about how i feel about him, and i've seen it coming for what feels like forever. maybe it'll be a relief, to stop anticipating, stop worrying about potentials and start worrying about actualities. if he goes away, he'll either come back or he won't, and i can't change that, and this entry isn't a message to him, or to anyone, i'm just need to spill this and there's no one to listen right now, no one uninvolved enough that they won't interrupt me.
i'm lost, i've lost, but i can't stop trying to make him see, and i don't know why. even if it drives him away, which it inevitably will, not because of his feelings for me or my feelings for him, but because he knows, at least a little bit, that there's a kernel of truth to my feelings and nothing's worse than an itch that won't go away, so irritants have to go somewhere.
and no single person will ever listen to a coupled person, and i've got to learn that. but how do i teach myself to stand by and watch while he does something he said he wouldn't do again, because he thinks it's different this time, because it's always different this time, and it never is, and i am not going to make myself sick (or any sicker) over this than i already am.
this isn't about our friendship. i don't need reassurances on that, i have my beliefs and i have my hopes. this is about not wanting to slow down at the site of a car accident. this is about being reminded of exactly how powerless i am. this is about that funny sinking feeling you have when it feels like your insides are falling and are never going to hit bottom.
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no subject
Date: 2005-01-05 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-06 12:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-06 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-06 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-01-06 02:48 am (UTC)and maybe my points are just of incredibly small individual value, and recognizing something like propertius would be worth seven thousand points.
no subject
Date: 2005-01-06 12:01 am (UTC)TS
Date: 2005-01-06 02:54 am (UTC)