(no subject)
Dec. 26th, 2004 05:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturat home, christmas tree lit, and Light making a lego castle. the kitten's asleep on the love seat, and i went and spent my B&N gift certificate when we got groceries, but LnT did not have either a decent sifter or sil-pats. so i've got a page-a-day new york times crossword puzzles calendar, so history and i never have to suffer through a grid/clue mismatch, a vegetarian cookbook by someone named Crescent Dragonwagon, a cook's tour by anthony bourdain, and Eternally Bad, Goddesses with Attitudes, and a little tiny notebook to write more of my goals in, since i think i've been letting them go by.
work's had an OT freeze, and so money gets a little tighter, but i don't know which way to tighten in, because it's either my savings account takes a hit, the parts of our lifestyle that overlap take a hit, or i give up what i want for the house for a while. and i can see it stretching out, vacations and plane tickets and books i can't have, and sometimes i get a little lost, because i really want those placemats from the latest cratebarrel, but there's no need for placemats and napkins, we don't really have that kind of lifestyle, i just wish i did. and i don't blame light, i don't blame myself, we picked a condo instead of an apartment, i have something i want to change because i have something, or he has something, he can change.
his sisters warmed up to me, and i'm not sure why, but this time they felt bad about calling me by his exwife's name, and i got fantastic presents, and i felt less like i was a resented presence. and i think in part it's just that light talked to one of them at least, and there wasn't any awkwardness over church, which i was terrified of having to try and explain.
i answered a friend's poll, where i said love was remembering things. it's an interesting path i've chosen to walk with a terminally forgetful man, but we keep managing to get most things right in the end, and i know i sometimes forget that in the middle, when i so desperately want to feel like he's paying attention to me, and the only way i can believe that he's listening or has listened is if he acts on what i've said, or actively doesn't act on it, not when it just passes through him. i've changed so many parts of myself that sometimes i feel like i'm losing track, giving up things i used to hold dear, and i make each individual decision consciously, but the bulk of it scares me. and i could list them, but they look like blaming and that sort of whiffs by the point.
changing for him isn't bad, because right now, i could no more separate it from changing for me than i could breathe for each lung individually. it's not that i don't have a separate identity, anyone who has heard us 'discuss' anything could put that to rest in a heartbeat. it's that i'm chosing this path, twined around someone else's path, and i'm slowly learning how to be with someone past my point of comfort, past the point where i could have walked away, when every other romantic relationship, i either have walked away, or never let it get to a point where that decision even entered the zipcode.
time to go rescue dinner from him, though.
work's had an OT freeze, and so money gets a little tighter, but i don't know which way to tighten in, because it's either my savings account takes a hit, the parts of our lifestyle that overlap take a hit, or i give up what i want for the house for a while. and i can see it stretching out, vacations and plane tickets and books i can't have, and sometimes i get a little lost, because i really want those placemats from the latest cratebarrel, but there's no need for placemats and napkins, we don't really have that kind of lifestyle, i just wish i did. and i don't blame light, i don't blame myself, we picked a condo instead of an apartment, i have something i want to change because i have something, or he has something, he can change.
his sisters warmed up to me, and i'm not sure why, but this time they felt bad about calling me by his exwife's name, and i got fantastic presents, and i felt less like i was a resented presence. and i think in part it's just that light talked to one of them at least, and there wasn't any awkwardness over church, which i was terrified of having to try and explain.
i answered a friend's poll, where i said love was remembering things. it's an interesting path i've chosen to walk with a terminally forgetful man, but we keep managing to get most things right in the end, and i know i sometimes forget that in the middle, when i so desperately want to feel like he's paying attention to me, and the only way i can believe that he's listening or has listened is if he acts on what i've said, or actively doesn't act on it, not when it just passes through him. i've changed so many parts of myself that sometimes i feel like i'm losing track, giving up things i used to hold dear, and i make each individual decision consciously, but the bulk of it scares me. and i could list them, but they look like blaming and that sort of whiffs by the point.
changing for him isn't bad, because right now, i could no more separate it from changing for me than i could breathe for each lung individually. it's not that i don't have a separate identity, anyone who has heard us 'discuss' anything could put that to rest in a heartbeat. it's that i'm chosing this path, twined around someone else's path, and i'm slowly learning how to be with someone past my point of comfort, past the point where i could have walked away, when every other romantic relationship, i either have walked away, or never let it get to a point where that decision even entered the zipcode.
time to go rescue dinner from him, though.
