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Sep. 26th, 2004 07:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturneedy cats make for early sunday rising.
strange mood. not bad, just...off. it would be nostalgic if i actually liked what i was thinking about, but since i don't, it's got to be something else.
it's not that i hate my past. it got me here, and here's pretty fanfuckingtastic. but there are bits which i wish i'd played more gracefully, and there are bits i wish i remembered, and bits i wish i'd forgotten a little more thoroughly.
there are people who are part of this lj experience (or life, for that matter) that i'll never figure out how to actually befriend, what lack on my part makes correspondence or friendship impossible. and i wish i knew what that lack was, even if i'm not sure i'd change it. there are people who left, or who i left, because their choices hurt, either hurt me or hurt to watch, and i don't know if you mend that, or how you mend it, or why there's never any closure available.
i got a look of death at the farmer's market yesterday. i don't remember injuring the woman particularly, though i'm sure i did. she was some part of History's life at one point, and i didn't particularly like her then, though i tried, because i think i try to like most people at least a couple times.
there are obviously the other examples, the people i adore, the people who seem to adore me, the people who fascinate me to the point where i can't be selfconscious about it, where i stop worrying what they think. there's light, on the other end of the couch, whose muted his video game (KOTOR) because i hate listening to it. there's History liking Mythbusters as much as i do.
but i'm better at doubt than i am at faith. more practice, i guess.
and my therapist and i talk about patterns of superstition you develop as a child, to explain why the bad things happen, that as per usual, are challenging to cognitively rid yourself of. but the kitten still falls asleep on my foot and there's an EFO show next weekend and i have the best couch in the world. i'll figure this out, eventually.
strange mood. not bad, just...off. it would be nostalgic if i actually liked what i was thinking about, but since i don't, it's got to be something else.
it's not that i hate my past. it got me here, and here's pretty fanfuckingtastic. but there are bits which i wish i'd played more gracefully, and there are bits i wish i remembered, and bits i wish i'd forgotten a little more thoroughly.
there are people who are part of this lj experience (or life, for that matter) that i'll never figure out how to actually befriend, what lack on my part makes correspondence or friendship impossible. and i wish i knew what that lack was, even if i'm not sure i'd change it. there are people who left, or who i left, because their choices hurt, either hurt me or hurt to watch, and i don't know if you mend that, or how you mend it, or why there's never any closure available.
i got a look of death at the farmer's market yesterday. i don't remember injuring the woman particularly, though i'm sure i did. she was some part of History's life at one point, and i didn't particularly like her then, though i tried, because i think i try to like most people at least a couple times.
there are obviously the other examples, the people i adore, the people who seem to adore me, the people who fascinate me to the point where i can't be selfconscious about it, where i stop worrying what they think. there's light, on the other end of the couch, whose muted his video game (KOTOR) because i hate listening to it. there's History liking Mythbusters as much as i do.
but i'm better at doubt than i am at faith. more practice, i guess.
and my therapist and i talk about patterns of superstition you develop as a child, to explain why the bad things happen, that as per usual, are challenging to cognitively rid yourself of. but the kitten still falls asleep on my foot and there's an EFO show next weekend and i have the best couch in the world. i'll figure this out, eventually.
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 12:18 pm (UTC)I long ago decided it was easier for me to like others than to do contortions to get them to like me. When they don't return my friendship I know now it is truly their loss. I give what I would like to receive and when I don't receive in kind I move on. Thank you for your kind words and small reminders I am missed. It does not go unnoticed.
Closure sucks.
Sometimes I have to create my own.
I'm playing KOTOR right now. I mute it too. Even though I am the one playing, I hate listening to it.
I am finally feeling the pull of reversal in the faith-doubt whirl. For a while I was at equilibrium. Some storms I still begin with doubt but the faith is finally stronger. It is still a choice and not instinct at times.
I've heard these 'patterns superstition' explained as 'canyons in the reptilian brain'. Water and experience take the path of least resistance and cut deeper meandering canyons. Rational emotive therapy brings us to the source of that canyon and allows us to redirect. Addiction merely sets up a dam building great energy, that when released causes great destruction. It's an amazing plan and an amazing journey of choice.
Even if you (I or we) don't figure this out, I choose to enjoy the journey and I see you striving to do the same.