"i just want to be part of all this beauty"

[omnia_mutantur]

still internetless at home. that may change tonight, that may not.

still no landline, only the cell.

i've been trying to pinpoint the feelings i've been having since friday. there was some excitement, but it was quickly drowned out by other things. at first i thought it was just pain and exhaustion, and that's certainly still a contributing factor, but that feels like a symptom, not the disease.

i think it boils down to this doesn't feel like it's mine. and that might be an arbitrary designation and not sound as important as it actually is. i think it's a twopronged issue, actually. one, it's not legally mine, and never will be. and i swore i'd never go somewhere where i couldn't defend my right to be there ever again. two, it doesn't feel like my life. it's too much, too different than everything i've ever expected of myself. and even if this is what i want, and it is, the dissonance feels like it's driving me mad, and my selfimage has been pretty much chipped out of rock, so changes to it don't happen quickly or without violence.

suggestions from the home audience?

Comments

[strumpetone.livejournal.com]

cleansing...did you sage & salt water it? Then make sure to make your self a comfy spot. People do it all the time for their animals or kids, setting up some of their stuff right away in 1 spot to make it easier transition. For yours set up one of your bookcases, make sure the couch doesn't have stuff on it except for comfy kitties & blankets or pillows and an end table or box for the light & the tea. I know you said something about hanging up some of your posters. That would help too. Want one of Middlefield ;), I've got 2 lord of the rings.

Hope it helps

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

i've got a room that's going to be a library and mine, but it's not all set up.

for some reason, it feels like i should wait until everything moved from the old apartment into the condo to saltandsage. (well, that and i have to go get some sage).

we get a new couch tomorrow. brand new. i'm quite excited.

[strumpetone.livejournal.com]

nope no need to wait do it twice if necessary. If you want I can bring some sage home tonight & you can stop by to get it. I would stop by your place but I have LOTS of candles to do.

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

that would rock. call the cell and i'll scurry over. though if it's inconvenient, don't worry about it.

and i'll invite you over for a real dinner when it's all set up.

thanks for pointing out i don't have to wait. for some reason, that hadn't occured to me.

probably because i'm simple when i'm overtired.

[strumpetone.livejournal.com]

nope it was because it wanted you to see me, whatever it is.

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

well, then i shall thank it heartily for its wisdom, 'cause seeing you seems like an absolutely brilliant thing to do.

[strumpetone.livejournal.com]

I should be home 6-6.30ish just so you have an ideaish.

[shebear.livejournal.com]

I don't know that I have anything helpful to say, but I wanted you to know that I read this and related. I moved into the townhouse that the bf bought (without ever showing me until after he'd signed the papers, no less) and had that sense of ... being a long-term guest? I don't know exactly how to describe it, but the sense of having to settle in to somewhere that isn't home.

Just because it's not legally yours doesn't make it any less your home, though. My oath to myself was that I wouldn't ever be dependent again, and I went back on that, and it created dissonance between the black-and-white idea of "never," and the common-sense idea of degrees and safe situations. I'm not sure what brings that all back down to manageable levels except the passage of time and forces of erosion against the rock of your self-image. And your rational self, armed with a chisel.

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

my rational self doesn't have a whole lot of upperbody left these days, as far as i can tell.

but you have no idea how helpful it is to hear that i'm the only person ever to have felt this way, because i've been trying to explain it over and over again and feel that i only really get blank looks regarding why it just doesn't _feel_ right.

it may not have seemed like a useful thing to you, but it's a gigantic relief to me. and i think part of my problem is that i'm waiting for light (or anyone) to understand how i'm feeling, or make myself stop feeling that way, rather than accepting it and figuring out what the next step is.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

Do you have space that's just yours in the house? Situating myself in a space like that is what always helps me adjust to a new place.