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Jul. 10th, 2004 06:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturit really is a wonder that people ever manage to be good to each other.
i'm in a horrible snippy mood, and it wears on me that i feel like he never, ever listens to me. and i know that he does, that there's just some disconnect and the information i impart goes somewhere else than into him.
and he tells me he's never had anyone as attached to him as i am, and that he worries about it sometimes, worries about me, and it's like he's stripped every piece of pride and selfrespect i have away, and you'd think people would be more cautious. hell, it's me. remember me? the snarky defensive girl that barely knows how to be in love, much less how to give herself over this completely to anything? if i had a little less selfrestraint i'd curl into a ball and ignore him for days.
and he doesn't mean it, and i need to figure out how to be less variable, and concentrate on how wonderful he was when i was headachy, not when he makes me feel like all my desires for an interesting life are some strange inconvenience for him, that all my repetitive asking 'have you done this yet?' is not just words, but both a prompt and a plea, that i want to think about the things i am doing, not the things i haven't time to schedule in.
i have this conversation over and over again, with so many different men throughout my life. i'm never sure that anything i think is true, and it seems like all of them assume what they think is true, and i don't know how to bridge that gap. so in the end, they'll all be shades and shadows of my father, and someone else is always more right than i am.
i'm in a horrible snippy mood, and it wears on me that i feel like he never, ever listens to me. and i know that he does, that there's just some disconnect and the information i impart goes somewhere else than into him.
and he tells me he's never had anyone as attached to him as i am, and that he worries about it sometimes, worries about me, and it's like he's stripped every piece of pride and selfrespect i have away, and you'd think people would be more cautious. hell, it's me. remember me? the snarky defensive girl that barely knows how to be in love, much less how to give herself over this completely to anything? if i had a little less selfrestraint i'd curl into a ball and ignore him for days.
and he doesn't mean it, and i need to figure out how to be less variable, and concentrate on how wonderful he was when i was headachy, not when he makes me feel like all my desires for an interesting life are some strange inconvenience for him, that all my repetitive asking 'have you done this yet?' is not just words, but both a prompt and a plea, that i want to think about the things i am doing, not the things i haven't time to schedule in.
i have this conversation over and over again, with so many different men throughout my life. i'm never sure that anything i think is true, and it seems like all of them assume what they think is true, and i don't know how to bridge that gap. so in the end, they'll all be shades and shadows of my father, and someone else is always more right than i am.
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-10 04:01 pm (UTC)And then they go and do something wonderful and it suddenly makes sense again.
*shrugs* I dunno if I'm even making any sense.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-10 09:59 pm (UTC)That is a very astute observation, one that holds true for me as well. Gendered communication is a nightmare aspect of every romantic relationship I've ever had, and my normal way of dealing is to assume that everything I say is true as well, but then my boyfriends just end up having crossover issues with me, rather than the "normal" Cosmo/Maxim ones.