"getting right under my skin"

[omnia_mutantur]

moody days, potentially premenstrual, potentially just scared.

the condo mostly passed inspection, with a couple little details to be fixed.

we made pancakes last night, and the starter for mask's chili.

it appears STBF is going to the housewarming. which, of course, sets off every flight instinct in my body. and no matter what advice about she only has the power i give her i get, nothing changes. i'm better, even if no one can see it, and i don't think it's jealousy exactly, since i don't think jealousy feels quite so much like wanting to crawl into bed and hide.

and i'm hoping this passes with time, that it's just another spine i have to grow. it's not a contest, i don't have to be better than her, just different. and he may have married her, but he's with me, and i'll always choice the present tense over a ring.

and maybe it's not that she was married to him, but that she wanted him (and who knows, maybe it's present tense) back, and everything i had to repress when i tried to urge him to actually think about what he wanted rather than just go with the "well, i'm with you now" response comes back to make my hands shake when i'm chopping peppers.

maybe it's that i think i can't ever measure favorably against someone i think of as prettier, more successful, classier than i am. maybe it has nothing to do with Light, and everything do with everything i've internalized over the years about not being good enough, and she's just a standin for the doubts i've accumulated over the years.

or maybe it is jealousy, and i just don't know what it really looks like. i don't think i mind when he talks to her, the only reason i've asked him to tell me is so we can thwart my fears of having things kept from me because i'm too weak to handle them. yeah, i minded when he was going to blow off his birthday plans with me, but i'm guessing that at least borders if not reasonable, than understandable.

i think i should be able to go and have a good time.

and i think i kinda hate myself for not being that person yet.

Comments

quandaries of insecurity

[tethered.livejournal.com]

sometimes females are just morons, i think.

i really hope that you're anxiety isn't from deeper feelings of never being good enough, and i hope it's just the same female neuroticism that i'm experiencing now. sometimes i just need the reassurance; even if guys hate talking about exes, they can never deny that they weren't in love with a past serious significant-other.

i think they need to actually state it out loud--that we are the best they've ever had, that the love they had for us has been greater, that the past has no sentimental value that could overshadow us--i think they need to actually state it out loud, because it's true!

but, of course, we would seem like whiny, needy little women if we asked them to say it, no?...

[harlenna.livejournal.com]

better to know your boundaries and refrain from being in a situation that is going to be unnecessarily hurtful than go despite your own wisdom.

yes, it's understandable. completely. *hug*

[shebear.livejournal.com]

If you're not that person yet, then you aren't. But don't hate yourself over it (even kinda). You'll get there, or at least closer to it, if you give yourself the benefit of the doubt. I struggle with the "should"s a lot myself, and the best thing I can do for myself is live with what is and what I hope will be next time around rather than what I think should be.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

What does STBF stand for?

Jealousy is natural, the biggest mindfuck my education/erudition played on me is convincing me that I shoulda been sublimating it as some atavistic gender-normative behavior. Eventually I came to terms that I am a jealous person, and to communicate the ways in which I need my insecurities validated by my partner, rather than berating myself for feeling them.

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

Soon To Be Former. i'll have to figure out another one in a couple days, and what springs to mind (Shadow) (in the sense of living in hers) gives a little too much fetishistic power.

i think i'm slowly understanding it has nothing to do with either her or Light, but that she's functioning as some sort of odd hook to hang all my self-perceived problems upon.

Such as: i'm a short chunky tattooed freak who left the academic life to become a poorly paid hospital employee. as far as i can tell, she's beautiful and classy and doing what she went to school for. she seems the kind of girl parents like. i never have been.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

but evidently you are the kind of girl that the son of the parents likes.

and isn't that the really important part?

[starrfade.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling you are expressing; I had it with my ex-luvvie's ex and that whole rigamarole. (a slightly different situation; but same response) If you ever want to talk about it; I'd love to ... I haven't really straightened all that out in my own head with my own self; and I'm not in that situation at all any more ... anyways; it's something I'd love to talk over with someone who gets it sometime. (and don't hate yourself for it; it isn't as cut and dried as you wish it was, and brava for you for knowing that and avoiding it)

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

i never stopped wishing i could figure out a way to get to know you better. i still haven't stopped, for that matter.

and thank you.