"i think that i am up to it"

[omnia_mutantur]

he's making an offer this afternoon. on a little condo in northampton.

it's weird to be scared of two polar opposites at once. it means i never relax, if house plans become more visible, more concrete than i start to think about what i've become, what i'm becoming. if they're nebulous and uncertain, i start to think about the instability of my future and not haring off to the west coast to follow Mech and Media.

I need another earring. And a good recipe for vegetarian chili, since the one i tried this weekend was bad, and i'm pretty sure it was a recipe-bad not a me-bad. though i know what i'd change if i tried it again.

light likes the domesticity, and i feel like it should unsettle me, but it doesn't. though dinner wasn't exactly a resounding success, apparently he's unpicky enough to take seconds, and if he doesn't like it, then he's not telling me.

i want to game this summer, and i'm not sure why. i haven't in years, so many years i don't remember mechanics, and it's part about looking into light's world, and it's part about just letting myself want whatever i want, no holds barred.

i forgot to worry about making History feel like a third wheel. and it's too early, i guess, to really worry, because there will be time alone with him as well as time with the both of them.

and really, i don't want to work here anymore, and i'm updating my resume, but i'm not sure i should change anything. it's good benes, decent money, and with enough slackage time to write for little bits. time will tell, i guess, because i'm pretty sure i've got to put out or shut up at this point.

i cried at the Stables counter this weekend, confusing light again, and scurried outside, coming back in after i'd basically yelled at myself for being weak, being silly, and letting myself out of control. i was using language wrong. i don't know how to pick a house, but i'm pretty sure i've figure out how to want one, and since i'm so fucked up about wanting, the fact that i was wanting yet another thing completely out of my control was not exactly advantageous.

and the excedrin, instead of making the headache go away, just made me jittery and in pain. bleck.

Comments

a few things.....

[harlenna.livejournal.com]

wanted to talk to you about names, the names you pick for people, and why you pick them. i've never done it before, and never had anything that would fit.

over the past few days, one of my friends i realize has been my "mirror" so that's what i think i'd name him if i did. and i wouldn't have thought of that if 1. bjorn hadn't provided contrast to that 2. you hadn't have done the naming thing.

i find it odd that i'm picking that up and i don't even know you all that well.

but you like Elinor Wylie! I do too! her poetry is SO beautiful.
sometime perhaps we should exchange email or whatever. or i could just get it from bjorn, that could work too.

oh and *hugs* for the confusing ends of the spectrum thing. i think i know exactly what you mean.

[pyramus.livejournal.com]

Ingredients for prep work(I'm making this up on the spot, so feel free to alter.):
2 chopped habeniros
1 chopped jalapeno
3 random hot peppers of various colors again chopped.
2 table spoons of chili powder
3 tbl spoons of vinegar (Any)
1 pouch of sun dried tomatoes sliced to a size you like(Not in oil)
1 tea spoon of finely chopped garlic
1 cup fruit juice. (I tend to like cirrus blends, but whatever you want to add to the after-taste will work.

Mix all these things in a bowel, cover and let sit in the fridge over night.

Following day:
1 box Boca Ground
1 package of Smart Choice Ground
1 small can of red beans
2 cups of whatever juice you used before
water as needed
Any spices that are in your cabinet that look tasty
Yesterday's mix

-Put yesterday's mix in a large pot and heat.
-Once nearly to a boil, add Boca ground and 1 cup juice
-Once at temp again, add Smart Ground and 1 cup juice
-Once at temp AGAIN add beans
-simmer until desired level of soupiness.
-simmer as long as your patience lasts
-add H2O if too dry.
-alter to taste, serve over rice or whatever else sounds like fun.
-eat

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

i can't tell if this sounds amazing, or like i'd sear all my tastebuds off.

either way, i'm going to try it. maybe a little less hot and a little more garlicky, but we'll see.

i'm intrigued by the absence of tomato other than dried.