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omnia_mutanturcan't work anymore.
haven't gotten much done today, actually. not exactly sure why, but i think i've been ignoring something and it wants to come out to play. and i'm sad, but what i think it is is that light convinced me of the possibility i didn't have to worry about losing him to something arbitrary, and now somehow that's come back to bite me in the ass.
funny that a conversation or seven about faith would prompt what looks like a loss of it, even if in the end its something else entirely. i acknowledge that i might be wrong, this might not last forever. but i am certain that if it does not, it will not because i did not try to make it so. i believe this will be forever, and if i'm wrong, i don't want to know, and i'm not going to entertain the thought.
and maybe that's the disconnect. faith to me means i'm not making other plans. i'm not allowing the idea this might not work to have any practical reality for me . and since the dissolution of his marriage took him all unaware as far as i could tell, he was left floundering and doesn't want to have that happen again, even if he doesn't think it will.
i've proved to myself that all the safety nets can be ripped away while i'm falling, and i'll still bounce if i hit concrete, it'll just hurt. i've never given everything i am to another person, i've certainly never had this kind of faith in a lover, my assurance that History will love me forever is the closest that i've been to this. i am no stranger to catastrophic failure, my own, others, or the dictates of simple circumstance. but if i had been approached, fresh from learning what lesson had to teach, my story might be different.
to stretch my metaphor until it screams for mercy, i've jumped off enough cliffs, or been pushed, that i know that the bottom hurts, but i'll make it through. and while this is a higher cliff than i've ever jumped off before, the combination of what i'll get out of jumping and the foreknowledge that i've survived similar means i jump without checking my harness, without seeing what lies at the bottom.
everything's jumbled. i don't know the language for this, i don't know how to make the right sentences. i can't write about it, i can barely talk about it. but i had forgotten he might tire of me, and i now i remember and i don't want to.
but i cheer myself up knowing that no amount of pain could ever outweigh the joy i've already gotten and that it looks like i'm going to get years and years, laid end to end, of this and better still.
and you'll all get the chance to laugh at how many times i repaint my front door, and the fact that our house is still full of books and cattoys and legos and video games as opposed to fancy china and houseplants decades from now.
haven't gotten much done today, actually. not exactly sure why, but i think i've been ignoring something and it wants to come out to play. and i'm sad, but what i think it is is that light convinced me of the possibility i didn't have to worry about losing him to something arbitrary, and now somehow that's come back to bite me in the ass.
funny that a conversation or seven about faith would prompt what looks like a loss of it, even if in the end its something else entirely. i acknowledge that i might be wrong, this might not last forever. but i am certain that if it does not, it will not because i did not try to make it so. i believe this will be forever, and if i'm wrong, i don't want to know, and i'm not going to entertain the thought.
and maybe that's the disconnect. faith to me means i'm not making other plans. i'm not allowing the idea this might not work to have any practical reality for me . and since the dissolution of his marriage took him all unaware as far as i could tell, he was left floundering and doesn't want to have that happen again, even if he doesn't think it will.
i've proved to myself that all the safety nets can be ripped away while i'm falling, and i'll still bounce if i hit concrete, it'll just hurt. i've never given everything i am to another person, i've certainly never had this kind of faith in a lover, my assurance that History will love me forever is the closest that i've been to this. i am no stranger to catastrophic failure, my own, others, or the dictates of simple circumstance. but if i had been approached, fresh from learning what lesson had to teach, my story might be different.
to stretch my metaphor until it screams for mercy, i've jumped off enough cliffs, or been pushed, that i know that the bottom hurts, but i'll make it through. and while this is a higher cliff than i've ever jumped off before, the combination of what i'll get out of jumping and the foreknowledge that i've survived similar means i jump without checking my harness, without seeing what lies at the bottom.
everything's jumbled. i don't know the language for this, i don't know how to make the right sentences. i can't write about it, i can barely talk about it. but i had forgotten he might tire of me, and i now i remember and i don't want to.
but i cheer myself up knowing that no amount of pain could ever outweigh the joy i've already gotten and that it looks like i'm going to get years and years, laid end to end, of this and better still.
and you'll all get the chance to laugh at how many times i repaint my front door, and the fact that our house is still full of books and cattoys and legos and video games as opposed to fancy china and houseplants decades from now.
