"strike a match, go on and do it"

[omnia_mutantur]

hope. i think my definition of hope is having a way you want things to end up. not necessarily expect, often the very opposite of expect. Motion was talking about pandora a couple days ago, and my interpretation of the myth was always that hope was the cruelest thing, at the bottom of the box, and while all the miseries of the world were horrible, what made them truly horrible was giving man the ability to hope for something better. i squashed all hope for the longest time, because i knew that even if something better existed, i wasn't going to be getting it, and that made it all the worse.

and even these days, there are still aspects of my life i refuse to allow hope into. i could hope for a reconciliation with my mother, an admission of the wrong done to me, and some sort of going forward plan. i could hope for a mother figure in my life. i see no reason to, the hope makes the getting no more likely, and in fact makes the lack of hurt more. what is, is.

but, in more important ways, i'm hoping now, and it's still terrifying. i want this to be forever, i want to figure out how to make a life for light and myself that works. i'm near ecstatic about the idea of a house, with rooms that i can change the color of, or actually save up and get nice things. all the desires tamped down past the point of remembering, of acknowledge, and i'm trying to fish them out again. and i've done some of it already, made my room what i wanted it to be, mostly, indulging my desire for color, sparkly things and christmas lights. (with the exception of the comforter. someday, i'd like a new comforter, but navy and gold suns and moons will have to do for now).

i just called the oral surgeon to see if i owed them any money, and was told there's a good chance i'll be getting some money back, in fact. which is a nice feeling. i'm coming to realize that the only safety i acknowledge is my lease, and even that is a fiction, but maybe some day i'll find a magic number in the bank to calm my fears a little. i don't think i will, because everytime i set a magic number and reach it, all i do is set another magic number.

walking to work again, i'm amazed at how little i know about the world that surrounds me. my packrat mind probably enables me to identify a decent number of the plants, i know what the difference between a bearded iris and a plain iris is, and for some reason sprung tulips always make me think of the word blowsy. i'm pretty sure that that's a decorative juniper, and that's the leaves of a lilyofthevalley, which blooms earlier in the year, and those are buttercups, (i can't see a buttercup anymore without thinking of the little girl coming up to light in an incredibly small theater in stowe, across from the b&b we were staying in and asking him if he liked butter, and i had to explain what she meant) and dandlions gone to seed, and violets. thosnow what maple and oak leaves look like, but i don't know what the jagged-edged leaf is anymore, and i have no idea what the tiny purplely blue flowers are. there are the fivepetal yellow flowers close to the ground, and the fourpetal yellow flowers on branching stems. and the annoying thing is i don't know how to find out.

the world is so very full of things i will never know. i think, on some level, it makes me cling to the things i do.

Comments

[clumsyish.livejournal.com]

The tiny purplely blue flowers might be forget-me-nots. Or if it's a big groudcovering ivy that they're with, it might be periwinkle.

(Those pictures being stolen from here; there's a bunch more there which may help to identify some of the others. Those two are in great proliferation around my parents' house, though.)

Yeah. I like knowing what plants are, though my knowledge is definitely spotty. I wouldn't know a beaded from plain iris myself. I probably can only identfy about a quarter of the flowers I see commonly. I still like knowing, though.

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

sadly, no. they're teenier. and the internet will not yield up its fruits to me, because i can't think of how to describe what i want. (it's not on the page, sadly)

but you reminded me of the other flower i adore. i think it's called bluets.

[linaria.livejournal.com]

maybe try a field guide to wildflowers? Peterson's is a good series.

[semiprecious.livejournal.com]

All I've seen this spring is lantana, hibiscus, and jasmine, and my little red impatiens. But the Jasmine is what thrills me. It smells absolutely delicious.