"it gets in to who you thought you'd be"
Jan. 21st, 2004 04:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
omnia_mutanturso i'm pretty sure we've all picked up on the idea that i'm miserable with the long distance part of my long distance relationship, which is happening concurrently with the fact that i'm absolutely ecstatically head over heels in love and pleased past the point of words with the object/subject/other participant in said long distance relationship.
i'm not sure how to explain this. i've never been sure. it was hard to be in an ldr with Ex, because to be with him i needed to be someone specific, and it was hard to be, well, less intelligent without the physical remind of why i had to be.
i am not, by nature, a needy person. or if i am needy, then i do not, as a practice, admit to it. or if i do, i admit to in it such a way as to mock myself. so when did i turn into the sort of person where Light's concerned what happens if he goes away for a weekend and i don't accompany him, or if he moves to wherever we're moving before i can? what transition took place, and where's the woman with balls the size of car tires who wouldn't admit to any sort of weakness? where's the woman who could simply decide how she was going to react to a situation and then, will they yes or will they no, shape herself to do so accordingly, stifle anything that didn't conform to her expectations.
and maybe it was that i could always soothe myself, resign myself to the picture of living alone in a trailer-shaped house, full of cats and books, finally sinking into the obscurity that my inability to trust had always promised me. and i knew what was coming, no matter what i was doing at the moment, i could see all the people in my life slowly falling away, the deciduous tree of human interaction displaying all its seasons before me, if i was patient enough to pay attention, i could tell what was going to happen and when.
patient like a crocodile, i was once told. i liked it then, and i like it now. now i just have to live up to it. seven plus months of waiting are nothing weighed against a lifetime of rolling over to find him on the other side of the bed.
now, i cry all the time. i want to stop being this transitional person, i want to stop being so much at loose ends. i don't know what happens next, and i'm scared to death of it, and i can't wait for it to happen all at once. and where i am now hurts. and more than i wish i could stop hurting, i wish i could find a way to tell light that this is okay, all you need to do is stick with me and everything will end up okay, i'm just lost right now, and the one thing i do when i'm lost, the going to ground thing, i couldn't/wouldn't do right now.
this is part of the price. if i'm not going to shut him out, and i'm _not_, then i don't have any other way to react. i've spent years upon years avoiding situations in which i want things i can't have. so now, i'm wanting this thing, and i get to have it, i just don't get to have it right now. and for me, tears have always been about being stuck. and i'm stuck.
i think i might now how to get out of this place i inhabit, but as mentioned before, i'm going to have to wait a bit before i can try.
i'm not sure how to explain this. i've never been sure. it was hard to be in an ldr with Ex, because to be with him i needed to be someone specific, and it was hard to be, well, less intelligent without the physical remind of why i had to be.
i am not, by nature, a needy person. or if i am needy, then i do not, as a practice, admit to it. or if i do, i admit to in it such a way as to mock myself. so when did i turn into the sort of person where Light's concerned what happens if he goes away for a weekend and i don't accompany him, or if he moves to wherever we're moving before i can? what transition took place, and where's the woman with balls the size of car tires who wouldn't admit to any sort of weakness? where's the woman who could simply decide how she was going to react to a situation and then, will they yes or will they no, shape herself to do so accordingly, stifle anything that didn't conform to her expectations.
and maybe it was that i could always soothe myself, resign myself to the picture of living alone in a trailer-shaped house, full of cats and books, finally sinking into the obscurity that my inability to trust had always promised me. and i knew what was coming, no matter what i was doing at the moment, i could see all the people in my life slowly falling away, the deciduous tree of human interaction displaying all its seasons before me, if i was patient enough to pay attention, i could tell what was going to happen and when.
patient like a crocodile, i was once told. i liked it then, and i like it now. now i just have to live up to it. seven plus months of waiting are nothing weighed against a lifetime of rolling over to find him on the other side of the bed.
now, i cry all the time. i want to stop being this transitional person, i want to stop being so much at loose ends. i don't know what happens next, and i'm scared to death of it, and i can't wait for it to happen all at once. and where i am now hurts. and more than i wish i could stop hurting, i wish i could find a way to tell light that this is okay, all you need to do is stick with me and everything will end up okay, i'm just lost right now, and the one thing i do when i'm lost, the going to ground thing, i couldn't/wouldn't do right now.
this is part of the price. if i'm not going to shut him out, and i'm _not_, then i don't have any other way to react. i've spent years upon years avoiding situations in which i want things i can't have. so now, i'm wanting this thing, and i get to have it, i just don't get to have it right now. and for me, tears have always been about being stuck. and i'm stuck.
i think i might now how to get out of this place i inhabit, but as mentioned before, i'm going to have to wait a bit before i can try.
