"i don't like my language watered down"

[omnia_mutantur]

i waver back and forth between a couple different reasons for writing in here, and sometimes i have to review them, when i either feel silenced by my audience, or disgruntled by my theoretical audience's lack of response.

most of the time i like the potential nature of writing in here. i don't tell my secrets here, i don't say things i would mind getting back to the people i say them about, it's the internet, it would be the height of stupidity to assume privacy unless privacy was ensured, and even then, still kinda stupid. it's not a letter to anyone in particular though, so i can't assume an audience exists at all. i'm relatively certain it does, people add me to the list of journals they're probably going to read, they comment in my journal, and some of them comment in my day-to-day life. as such, i try to keep from springing things on people. most specifically light, since i talk a lot about the process of being in a relationship.

(this is not a plea for reassurance, but instead intellectual masturbation about blogging)

so, in the end, i waver back and forth between (a) writing to work things out (b) writing for a response and (c) writing because i like to. i try to adhere as much to either a or c, with occasional forays into b. not that b is bad, i've seen journals either entirely devoted to communicating with friends near and distant, and that's a grand agenda, just not mine explicitly.

i troll other people's journals, not in the sense of looking for people i know, but at least three degrees (a friend of a friend of a friend) or by common interest, looking just to find a narrative of someone else's life, a style by which other people are living, maybe to learn something or see something, maybe to have a vibration of sympathy, or, maybe if i'm lucky to find more friends, people who support me even if i'll never meet them, even if i don't have the slightest idea what they look like or where they live or how they like their tea.

(you know who you are)

i talked to history last night, concerned that i still want a bloody parade for quitting smoking, which seemed all out of proportion to the action achieved. and i realize i'll never really prove i've quit until years have passed, but it's been over three months without a cigarette. my hands haven't stopped twitching for them, but i'm pretty sure that's all musclememory. his theory is that it's a concrete and active step i'm taking to take care of myself, the first one ever.

thing to remember: no matter where i move, potential will always be being discarded. i need to remember that it isn't finite, if i don't get to find out how good one friendship could be, that doesn't mean that i'll never get another friendship with someone else to explore. and in the end, the internet can make everyone not in town the same amount of far away.

Comments

[sivvy.livejournal.com]

I looked for an email address to properly respond to this posting but didn't find one. I don't always write my response to your musings because it often touches a deep chord in me. I keep to a minimum exposing my underbelly in such open forum. I prefer to choose whom I hand weapons. For myself, writing in Live Journal is a combination of all three of your identified motivations. I will often discover upon rereading what I believe or know to be true. One of the main reasons I continue writing here, rather than the paper journal I kept for years, is the feedback from friends who know the song of my heart and from unmet friends who often see more clearly. To have confirmation of resonating experience is invaluable in dispelling my feelings of isolation. Though, I wrote for years simply for my own enjoyment and therapeutic effect, it is the combination that continues to bring me back to this medium for cataloging my thoughts.

I have much to say on parades for change and feats of will power. Most are strangely linked to reparenting myself. Good to remember when the ache comes.

[semiprecious.livejournal.com]

and in the end, the internet can make everyone not in town the same amount of far away.

I feel like you've moved in right next door.

so, in the end, i waver back and forth between (a) writing to work things out (b) writing for a response and (c) writing because i like to

I tend to stick with c most of the time. I write because I like to but I also write because I have to. I need to. It's as fundamental to me as eating or sleeping, shelter, and clothing.

And yet when I'm in front of a blank screen with that god forsaken cursor blinking expectantly at me, waiting for some order from me, I freeze up. I get stage fright, but mostly when there's nobody watching.

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

initally, i assumed sarcasm.

and then i re-read and decided it was the flattering compliment it may have been intended as.

so, if my second (and favored) interpretation is correct, manythanks.

[semiprecious.livejournal.com]

See? I'm the mistress of doublespeak even when it's unintentional!

No, I meant it as a compliment. People are being very careful around me lately. I'm sorry if my brevity made you suspect my intent.

I hate my neighbors. And I'd like it if someone like you moved in instead. Please do. With haste. I'll fire up the spa and pour some wine. Do you like wine? If so, do you like red or white?

[omnia-mutantur.livejournal.com]

thanks.

i'm a sucker for red. specifically south american merlots. shall i bring a bottle?