(no subject)

Today, I baked chocolate chip cookies, took a 4 mile walk, did a administrative thing and then accidentally read something about an abandoned dog dying and sobbed for what felt like the rest of the afternoon (and am crying even typing that sentence). I intended to make waffles next, but am feeling like maybe I'm just going to try to find some sort of self-soothing that doesn't even involve videos about cute animals. Videogames, probably.

I've been doing this odd combination of comfort-buying things and then getting them and deciding to save opening them for a day when I really need. But like every take-as-needed medication, I'm never certain that today is the worst it's going to get, so maybe I don't need it now. I should probably flip it on its head and decide I'm throwing myself a birthday party, or some other gift-receiving holiday, but for now, it's reminding me that maybe I've got a bit of a problem.

All of my spirituality is sort of vague and handwavy and uncertain. I have a lot of beliefs around finding ways to look at the world/myself and liminal spaces and the differences between the sum of the parts and the whole. But there's something going on in my morning walks, like I'm developing a relationship with the Fells. Nothing specific, nothing of the "and then I knew what tradition to follow" sort of realization. But I'm starting to feel some kind of way about the ponds and the wildlife and the way things are changing as the seasons change. Not that I'm turning into some great hiker, the paths I choose are well-trodden and covered in dcr markings but I'm starting to miss the fells on the days when I can't find it in myself to go for a walk.

Online jigsaw puzzles and pasta for dinner, I guess.