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Jun. 1st, 2020 11:44 pmToday I made alton brown's oatmeal banana bread, but I substituted brown sugar instead of granulated, upped the vanilla and added a handful of chocolate chips. It felt lightly blasphemous, Alton Brown being one of my gateway drugs into understanding that cooking had rules that made sense. It also had that lightly distanced feeling, the part of my brain screaming fire making everything I do feel absurd.
Today I talked to Light about how I was always afraid but also confrontational and he was not afraid but also nonconfrontational, and how I felt that we needed to put a black lives matter sign in our window because....well, because. But also because our neighbors on one side have a trump sign on their front lawn. He pointed out that not wanting to be afraid was an okay reason not to do something and I told him the fear was inevitable and so I might as well still do something,.
It's a window sign, and eventually a rainbow flag, I'm not marching on the front lines. And the little things I do don't feel like enough, but they also might be all I've got at the moment.
I was avoiding the news, I've been avoiding the news for most of this social distancing. I know poring over it helps some people cope, and it's better to be an informed citizen than not, but other than the basic information that trickles through, I can't read about people endangering other people. I could barely watch the space launch because the screen was a split screen between trump and the launch and it made my stomach churn.
I don't think I'm in denial, I know the world is an awful place full of awful things happening, I just wasn't looking, I guess. But whatever impulse towards self-protection I had has vanished and now I just can't look away from news about the protests, can't stop reading the emails and essays,can't looking at live feeds of protests. Can't stop bearing what feels like inadequate witness. Or maybe I won't.
Today I talked to Light about how I was always afraid but also confrontational and he was not afraid but also nonconfrontational, and how I felt that we needed to put a black lives matter sign in our window because....well, because. But also because our neighbors on one side have a trump sign on their front lawn. He pointed out that not wanting to be afraid was an okay reason not to do something and I told him the fear was inevitable and so I might as well still do something,.
It's a window sign, and eventually a rainbow flag, I'm not marching on the front lines. And the little things I do don't feel like enough, but they also might be all I've got at the moment.
I was avoiding the news, I've been avoiding the news for most of this social distancing. I know poring over it helps some people cope, and it's better to be an informed citizen than not, but other than the basic information that trickles through, I can't read about people endangering other people. I could barely watch the space launch because the screen was a split screen between trump and the launch and it made my stomach churn.
I don't think I'm in denial, I know the world is an awful place full of awful things happening, I just wasn't looking, I guess. But whatever impulse towards self-protection I had has vanished and now I just can't look away from news about the protests, can't stop reading the emails and essays,can't looking at live feeds of protests. Can't stop bearing what feels like inadequate witness. Or maybe I won't.
