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Not going to skip two days in a row, dammit.
Last night was witch class and I was just completely mentally and emotionally absent for it. Our teacher wanted us to find a fairy tale or a folk tale that was emotionally resonant with us, especially from our childhood or whatever culture we identify with, and I had nothing.
I've got the little things, I throw wish rocks in the ocean over my shoulder and I try to say hello to her every time I see her. I collect my cats whiskers. I hung tiny mirrored circles, glued back to back on string from all our windows and above all our doors. I create traditions out of whatever I can cobble together, and try to bring people into them with varying amounts of success. I suspect my tattoos can tell my story better than I can.
One of the many thinky things trevor training has brought up is about self harm. There are still days when the fading scars give me some kind of feeling I can't quite identify, some of the memories around giving them to myself are the sharpest ones I have of college.
The gentlest part of me is filled with sympathy for baby omnia - she was trying so, so hard to self-medicate and find some way to not hurt so much and not die at the same time. There's a middle ground that wishes I'd been less able to outsmart all the people surrounding me. I think I wanted to be saved, but I also wanted someone to work to save me, like that would have proved something. And there's that perpetual dark undercurrent of what would I have been like now if I had been somehow reachable then. (there's this whole train of thought about changing the past changing the now, and thinking about how things might be different devaluing how they are now and it's not that I don't like where I am, (gah I almost typed I'm not ungrateful and then internally gagged, I fucking hate that word) just....like, I don't want to not exist (mostly) but I can very, very easily acknowledge my parents were not people who should have been trusted with a kid.
Some part of me thinks my brain will be better as soon as I can get another tattoo, that always helps (though for variable amounts of time). teeny tiny reboots, rewrites and rites.
Last night was witch class and I was just completely mentally and emotionally absent for it. Our teacher wanted us to find a fairy tale or a folk tale that was emotionally resonant with us, especially from our childhood or whatever culture we identify with, and I had nothing.
I've got the little things, I throw wish rocks in the ocean over my shoulder and I try to say hello to her every time I see her. I collect my cats whiskers. I hung tiny mirrored circles, glued back to back on string from all our windows and above all our doors. I create traditions out of whatever I can cobble together, and try to bring people into them with varying amounts of success. I suspect my tattoos can tell my story better than I can.
One of the many thinky things trevor training has brought up is about self harm. There are still days when the fading scars give me some kind of feeling I can't quite identify, some of the memories around giving them to myself are the sharpest ones I have of college.
The gentlest part of me is filled with sympathy for baby omnia - she was trying so, so hard to self-medicate and find some way to not hurt so much and not die at the same time. There's a middle ground that wishes I'd been less able to outsmart all the people surrounding me. I think I wanted to be saved, but I also wanted someone to work to save me, like that would have proved something. And there's that perpetual dark undercurrent of what would I have been like now if I had been somehow reachable then. (there's this whole train of thought about changing the past changing the now, and thinking about how things might be different devaluing how they are now and it's not that I don't like where I am, (gah I almost typed I'm not ungrateful and then internally gagged, I fucking hate that word) just....like, I don't want to not exist (mostly) but I can very, very easily acknowledge my parents were not people who should have been trusted with a kid.
Some part of me thinks my brain will be better as soon as I can get another tattoo, that always helps (though for variable amounts of time). teeny tiny reboots, rewrites and rites.
