(no subject)

I thought today might be the day I wrote up what I cooked and what I read in April.  It's not going to be.   My driveway date with Spark and Delight somehow managed to both give me life and fucking destroy me, and so I was in this mixed up state of so relieved to have seen them and so not okay with not being able to hug them that I pretty much just bottomed out.

Add to the fun, last night was my first night with my new cpap machine.   Guess what probably really needs an in-person fitting and not over the phone instructions?   A new cpap mask.  So, I slept almost not at all last night,   My fitbit tells me that I got five hours and thirteen minutes of sleep, with six periods of restlessness,  but according to my fitbit the last time I slept six whole hours was monday, so maybe today was a low energy day for a couple different reasons.  I mean, they're also all low energy days but at least I made delicious vegetarian meatballs.  (technically walnut-cheddar-basil balls) and washed the sheets and unpicked the part of the cross stitch I fucked up.  

"I'm working out a story and there's so much to address"

On the one hand, after spending about an hour trying to find a comfortable position and a way of breathing that was going to allow me to fall asleep, I completely panicked, started sobbing, ripped the thing off, took extra melatonin and a clonidine and passed out.

But on the other hand, I actually managed to sleep until 7:30, and woke up to an open window, a light breeze, some birds on the telephone wire outside my window and that pleasant leftover chill from the night that marks the best mornings and a bed with three tortoiseshell cats in it.

Pretty much all of quarantine I've been getting out of bed, brushing my teeth and going down stairs to unload the dishwasher, reload it, do the rest of the dishes, wipe down the counter, all while making myself breakfast. I said I wasn't going to do that today, I was just going to go make myself a cup of my fanciest tea and then come back up to my cozy room. But it takes so long for the water to boil and the tea to steep and my hands decided why not. I did manage to only load and unload the dishwasher, the rest of the dishes are waiting down there for me, but I've decided to ignore them for a bit.

My fanciest tea is probably not all that fancy in the grand scheme of things (comparing myself to Delight in this regard doesn't help, all my teas are black and taste like dessert) but I don't let myself have it very often. It's Upton Teas' Melange du Chamonix, cocoa and cardamom and cinnamon, it's ridiculously delicious and has the added benefit of the inextricable link in my head between Delight and cardamom, so it's like having tea with them even if I can't.

I don't let myself have it very often feels like a ridiculous statement and I wonder where my brain picked up such a delightful combination of scarcity-thinking and self-abnegation and always feeling like I need something to look forward to. I bought myself markers, with the amazon credit from agreeing to give the NIH my blood and medical info and then after they came I found myself thinking I should save these, or only use my least favorite colors. With something I explicitly bought as a way to self-soothe. (I also got a book of Hanna Karlzon postcards to color)

The day sort of went downhill. I ended up falling back asleep for a little bit and my alarm for the Primrose meeting woke me up at the part of a dream where I was in a bookstore with Light and I had just convinced the bookstore cat to come sniff my fingers and it was black and white and had a spikey kitten tale and I was going to pet it (I'm still mad). The Primrose meeting was okay, but agitating. I went outside for a little while to sit in the shade and listened to a mini Laura Marling instagram concert, but it brought home the lack of porch furniture and then the sun moved and there wasn't useful shade anymore. I cried a little bit, slept a little bit more, caved to the migraine, played my silly game, helped Light make cheesy risotto with grapes (the one-to-one cider for white wine substitution didn't work this time, next time I think half broth/half cider). Then I napped a little more. I'm not sure if I'm going to even try the mask tonight, but I'm going to load up on the clonidine first, and try some nasal allergy spray and maybe see what happens.