"We dive for easy pearls"

 The instructor for my witchcraft immersion does monthly 1:1s.  today, since I didn't really have anything to talk about, I got a reading.  (damn, I am sad I missed out on the slow holler deck, it is fucking gorgeous). 

 

Her interpretation ended up leaving me with a lot of interesting questions that I have no idea how to answer.

 

What kind of story do I want to tell?how would I like to work with other people?How do I use my resources?  

 

Knowing what she knows about my inclinations, she also gave me some advice/direction about trying to find ways to interrupt cycles of violence, find ways of redistributing resources, acknowledging that I have both receptive and regenerative energy, and how I can be generous and create abundance with that energy.  Know my niche and find the people who need it.   
 

I basically asked the cards what the fuck happens next.  And my spirituality is still pretty agnostic, I believe that tarot, like a lot of other things, gives me new lenses to look at old information.  There's an astrology book called You Were Born for This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance.  And while I'm usually more than happy to give astrology some serious side-eye, I definitely need some more radical self-acceptance (or any self-acceptance) for that matter.  (my sign is capricorn, which often boils down to boring and driven, and I've got the boring down, but I've never felt especially driven. now I'm wondering if you have to assume success is something in your grasp to have enough desire for success to be considered driven.  I've probably got a more sisyphean interpretation of driven down just fine.) 

 

And there's journaling questions in the book that also seem like things that I need to spend some time thinking through.   The first couple that really felt like gut-punches are

 

what part of you tends to suffer or go without to achieve the things you most want?  is this necessary?

 

what or whom do you feel most responsible for?

 

Part of me feels old and over, part of me feels like I'm being given another chance, I just have to figure out what to do with it.  I have skills, and some of them are in hard-to-otherwise-find combinations, it's not just I'd make an excellent chatelaine for a sprawling poly household, it's not just that I can do things other people don't want to do because I'm often better at using self-hate as a motivation.

Tomorrow, my grand plans are a lot of dishes, some letter writing and making leek fritters.  A lot of that was also today's plan, but instead I binge-played Firewatch.   Tomorrow I also want to journal about my tone-of-voice and my conversational bids or lack thereof.